Cultivate and Practice Love, Kindness, Compassion and Tolerance

'My message is always the same: to cultivate and practice love, kindness, compassion and tolerance.'   
The Dalai Lama

Cultivate and Practice Concrete Acts of Caring

 The message doesn't get simpler than this--cultivate and practice:

• Love
• Kindness
• Compassion
• Tolerance

The words--cultivate and practice--connote on-going processes--ones you nurture, foster, and commit to daily.

You cultivate the things you want to grow, and you practice the things you want to master.

When you look within yourself:

• Do you find your self-talk resulting in concrete acts of caring towards yourself and others?
• Or do you find yourself nursing past hurts and looking at others with envy, simmering anger, and an intolerance causing you to withdraw from, or lash out at, others?

 While you may claim you want to live your life with love, kindness, compassion and tolerance only you know the truth of how miserably you fail to be led by them on a daily basis. If you truly want love, kindness, compassion and tolerance in your life, commit to consciously cultivate and practice concrete acts of caring. 

Charity Begins at Home

My mother used to say, Charity begins at home. She understood if we are to sustain charitable thoughts and actions towards others we must begin by building a solid foundation at home--or within ourselves.

It is difficult to be kind and compassionate towards others if you're critical, judgmental and un-attentive towards yourself.  When you fail to spend time taking care of yourself or participating in activities that make you feel good about yourself, you grow to resent others as you grow to feel worse about yourself.

Begin to cultivate and practice love, kindness, compassion and tolerance towards others by first cultivating and practicing these things on yourself. Once you've created an emotionally-stable and secure core within you, you will find it natural to reach out to those around you compassionately.

Demonstrate Self-Love Daily: Concrete Acts of Self Care

Daily Self-Assessment-- When you wake up check where your attention goes. Check: Did I begin with kind, compassionate thoughts-- or did I find myself going down the path of envy, anger, fear, and frustration?

Daily Focus--What are the ways in which I can show myself love, kindness, compassion and tolerance today? What do I want to grow and master within myself?

Daily Self Care Activities--What are the things I wish someone else would come in and take care of for me today? I will take care of these things for myself. I will be kind to myself by taking action on the things that make me feel good about myself.

Daily Self-Talk Activities--What are the things I wish someone else would say to me today? I will say these things to myself, and then I will reach out to others with concrete messages of love, kindness, compassion and tolerance.

'I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless-- as it extends into the world around us-- it goes an equal distance into the world within.' 

Lillian Smith

Managing Stress: If I Have Time to Pee, I Have Time For Me

Harried Workplace Got You Stressed Out?

• Experiencing another day in paradise at your hurry-up-and-get-it-done workplace?
• Are things coming at you so fast and furious you fail to take rest and meal breaks?
• Are the crises and 'I need it NOW' requests piling up and creating a feeling of total overwhelm or panic in you?

Stop! Get Thee to The Rest Room for a Time Out!

Snap out of it! --Stop winding yourself up without giving yourself the space to wind back down.  You are the only one who can balance yourself in the midst of a harried workplace filled with non-stop demands. No one else is going to do it for you.

When you find yourself at the tipping point, get thee to 'The Rest Room' for a time out. Use the little ditty-- 'If I have time to pee, I have time for me'--to cue you to take the break.

If I Have Time to Pee, I Have Time for Me!

The bathroom--or Rest Room-- provides you with one of the best places to release stress and get a moment of peace from the outside world. It is a place you can usually find some privacy and a moment alone. And rarely will anyone question your taking a break to go to The Rest Room.

Two effective carry-with-you-anywhere relaxation techniques can easily be applied in the Rest Room---retreating to a quiet place and practicing minute breathing techniques.

'If I have time to pee, I have time for me' means it only takes a few minutes to give you 'A Breather'. Take yourself into that private, quiet space in the Rest Room to consciously, deliberately and slowly breathe in peaceful, calm, relaxing energy and exhale worry, anxiety and overwhelm.

It is physiologically impossible for you to be stressed and relaxed at the same time. When you take a breather in a quiet, private place, the minute you begin to practice slow, calm inhales and exhales your body switches from the stress response to the relaxation response.

But I Feel Silly Saying 'If I have time to pee, I have time for me'

Good. It helps to put a little levity into a stressful situation--a little silliness helps relax you too. So get over it--'feel the silliness, and do it anyway!'

Instead of feeling self-conscious about thinking 'If I have time to pee, I have time for me', try saying it to a co-worker and watch their response. You can help one another lighten up and find four or five small spaces of time in your day to take that breather, unwind, and re-center to a place of calm, clear and focused energy. Why not do it now?

Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny

Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny

 I laughed today when a friend said, "Here we are trudging the road of happy destiny."

Something about the words trudging and happy destiny didn't fit in the same sentence and yet it was a perfect fit.

When Things Get Tough, the Tough Get Trudging

Trudge isn't a word you hear much today, but you know the feeling of trudging-- walking heavily, and firmly, as when weary, or through mud --just like it sounds--as in trudging through drudgery. 

At first the image of trudging towards your happy destiny seems at odds with itself, but is it? Think about it.

It is work figuring out how to make relationships, careers, and life work. You toil to figure out what you want, what you have to offer, and how to best go after what you want. Then to achieve your heart's dream you must put yourself out there again and again-- despite failure, rejection, hurt feelings, pain and discouragement.

How Are You Trudging on the Road to Your Happy Destiny?

Consider what's happening in your life.

Perhaps:

• You stepped into a relationship with someone, and you'd like to take it further. But the minute you went on a date things got messy and confusing. To get out of the muddy emotions, you need to trudge through your thoughts and feelings to figure out the best next steps on your path to your happy destiny. 
• You discovered a new perfect-for-you position opened in your organization. While it's great news, suddenly you feel weary from the the fear and uncertainty of publicly applying for the position. To achieve your dream job you must trudge through updating your resume and cover letter-- and figure out how to apply for the position without upsetting your current boss in the event you fail to get the new job.
• You met someone who really cares about you and thinks you're wonderful. But right now you're in the middle of a messy divorce and you need to plod through the tedious, yucky details of separating from one person to be able to freely move on to your happy destiny.
• You work in a job you like but the company is in trouble. You love working--and you're very loyal to the company--so you're in a quandary about staying with the sinking ship or starting to look for another job now.
• You are trying to find your way back to the road to your happy destiny after losing a loved one or dealing with illness.

Don't Be a Stuck-in-the-Mud, Be a Trudge-in-the-Mud

Life isn't always easy. On your way to your happy destiny, you often come face to face with experiences that make you feel like you're slogging through mud. You get stuck. You get weary. You get discouraged.

But don't be a stuck-in-the-mud. If you let your mucky experiences stop you, they easily turn to quicksand and suck you into staying stuck for a lifetime.

These muddied junctures in life are always stressful. But if you make a conscious choice to move in the direction of your happy destiny, you'll effectively use the stressful energy to motivate you to action, and you'll grow stronger, more capable and more self-confident.

Learn to be a trudge-in-the-mud who moves toward freedom and a happy destiny.

• Accept your path can get muddied and you can get weary along the way.
• Acknowledge you'll still need to slog your way out of the muck, but you will be moving toward your happy destination.
• Keep moving toward your dreams and taking steps that open up opportunities, possibilities and engagement in your life.

No one's path to their happy destiny is an easy one. When you set your eyes on what you want you still must overcome the fear of putting yourself out there as well as overcome the obstacles to achieving your dreams.

Keep on Trudging

Your job in life is to take steps toward what you want, without concern for the outcome. As you step into life some doors will open and some doors will close. No matter. Keep taking those steps and walking through the open doors. And don't be afraid of the mud.

Be courageous and diligent in meeting life's challenges. Step into your life with your Muck boots on--and keep on trudging.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." James Dean

The Secret to Resilience--Calming Your Cortisol Levels and Stress Response




Sit, Rest, Work Q'Art
Susan J Meyerott with photography by William R Brooksher


Resilience? Who has Time to Bounce Back from Stress?

 Who isn't dealing with some type of stress in their lives right now? On a world level, tempers are flaring and fears rising as jobs, personal income, and retirement monies dwindle. On a personal level, each of us is dealing with our own fear and anxiety of what this all means to us, and it's taking its toll.

Recently, I talked with one person experiencing a relapse of a severe upper respiratory illness, another recovering from pneumonia, and still another whose spouse is recovering from a heart attack. What did each of them have in common?-- High levels of stress leading to high levels of the stress-hormones--adrenaline and cortisol.

We are always training our bodies through the choices we make. To have the health and energy to cope and continue to thrive despite the world-wide and personal crises, we need to make conscious choices to take care of ourselves in ways that bring our stress-hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, back down on a daily basis-- and especially after we deal with particularly stressful experiences.

Stop the World--I want to get off!

"Fisherman have always known that the sea is dangerous and the storm is terrible, but they've never considered those sufficient reasons to remain ashore." Vincent Van Gogh

 No question we are living in troubled times. But that doesn't mean we can't rise to the challenge and find ways to not only weather the stormy days, but learn to sail through to greener shores. After we step into the water at high tide we must consciously and deliberately step back into still waters to rest.

The good news is our bodies have adapted to effectively deal with stress. But its up to us to take action and train our bodies to be resilient so we are strengthened, not weakened by our life experience.

Stress Won't Kill You-- But not taking care of it will!

What is Stress? ~ A perceived sense of:

• Threat
• Loss of control
• Helplessness
• Hopelessness, and/or
• Unpredictability

In that instant when something catches you off guard, your brain downshifts into the lower brain, moving you into a fight or flight mode, and sets in motion the release of stress hormones, including cortisol and adrenaline. This is a good thing.

These stress-hormones help you react quickly by raising your heart rate and blood pressure, and releasing energy sources into the bloodstream, such as sugar, to make fuel available to your muscles. This is how your body helps you get through your daily crises.

But too much of a good thing becomes a problem if you fail to give your body time to recover from being in this high-stress mode.

Maintaining chronically high levels of the stress-hormone cortisol leads to three health damaging effects:

• High blood sugar, leading to insulin resistance;
• High blood pressure, and
• An increase in abdominal fat.

 Fat deposited around your belly is associated with more health problems than fat deposited elsewhere, including lower levels of HDL Cholesterol (good one), higher levels LDL Cholesterol (bad one), insulin resistance and metabolic syndrome, and an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes.

To calm your cortisol and other stress-hormone levels you must first recognize you are stressed, and then be willing to engage in self-calming activities that produce the relaxation response from your body.

The good news is it is physiologically impossible for you to be stressed and relaxed at the same time. When you make the decision to participate in activities that produce the relaxation response, your body will rebalance.

How Do I Know if I'm Suffering from Chronic Stress?

We're not always conscious we're in a constant state of stress. Sometimes we're working so hard to deal with the issues we ignore the signs and symptoms. Furthermore, when our heart rate goes above 100, our bodies release adrenaline that creates an emotional and mental fog that sends clear thinking out the window. 

We all have a stress signature that we can learn to focus on to cue us to stop, unwind and participate in self-calming activities. You don't need to notice all of your signs and symptoms of chronic stress, you just have to pick out one and let that be your guide to readjusting what you're doing.

Do You Experience Any of these Signs and Symptoms of Chronic Stress?

• Chronic fatigue
• TMJ problems--clenching of teeth
• Moodiness
• Anxiety and Irritability
• Anger (fear managed by anger)
• Depression
• Hardening of the attitudes
• Feeling a loss of control
• Tearfulness
• Joint and muscle pain
• Digestive difficulties
• Sleeping difficulties
• Increased deposit of fat in the belly
• Craving carbohydrates
• Binge eating
• Preoccupation with a stressful situation
• Getting ill after finals or completion of a stressful project
• Getting sick on vacation

 How to Bounce Back to Your Resilient Self

Start by identifying all signs and symptoms you experience in response to stress, then choose one to look for in your daily life. When you notice your stress signal is present, act, don't react to the information; and describe, don't judge what is going on.

Everyone gets stressed. If you discover you're chronically stressed, it doesn't mean you are weak, incompetent, out of control or a bad person. Leave the judgment out--describe what is going on and chose one immediate step to take a moment to relax.

Cortisol and Stress Calming Suggestions

• Control what you can control.
• Take action on the little things. 
• Exercise for relaxation, not for hard core fitness.
• Take a 5-15 minute walk break.
• Have some black or green tea.
• Find things to laugh about. Experiencing humor and laughter can lower cortisol levels.
• Enjoy relaxing music.
• Confide in a trusted friend. 
• Get a good night's rest. If you're having difficulty sleeping, at least rest and practice focusing on your breathing, consciously slowing down your inhales and exhales.
• Cry. Crying may be our bodies' way of eliminating stress-hormones from our system.
• Supplement with magnesium and omega 3 fatty acids (found in fish oil, krill oil and flax seeds)

Don't let your life difficulties beat you down. Choose to take actions that contribute to your self-confidence and well-being.  You're worth it.
  
Serenity Prayer

  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

 The courage to change the things I can,

 And the wisdom to know the difference.

The Key to Starting Over-- Build a Nest in the Eye of the Storm

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again. The Buddha

What's happening in your life right now?

• Do you feel like you've dodged a bullet when you see what other people are dealing with ~ yet you're still fearful about the future?
• Or have you faced so many hardships and challenges you're left feeling hopeless and discouraged about ever finding your way back to a normal life?
• Are you tired of thinking about your current situation and just wish someone would do something about it?

How to Start Over

When things get really tough it can be difficult to see your way out. Here are 3 keys to starting over and getting unstuck after having your life disrupted by economic hardship, natural disaster, or personal crises.

Key #1: Take the First Step

Not much has changed in the thousands of years humans have been facing and recovering from the hardships of life. As Lao Tzu stated so long ago, 'a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step'.

We fuel our inner strength and sense of resiliency by taking action. But sometimes when faced with 'a journey of a thousand miles' we can be overwhelmed with the daunting task of where to begin.  What is the first step?

The good news is any first step will do. Your hope, resiliency, and personal strength will grow stronger with every step you take.  It doesn't matter what the first step is. As you experience yourself being pro-active and physically taking action, your ability to cope and hope will improve. So start with a single step--any step-- and then another.

Key #2: Take Small Steps

As an old Chinese Proverb says, 'The man who moved a mountain is the one who started taking away the small stones'. When you're in total overwhelm mode, start 'taking away the small stones'--one small step, then another.

Key # 3: Build a Nest in the Eye of the Storm

As Anthropologist, Margaret Mead, traveled on her life adventure, change and uncertainty were a way of life. Her grandmother--a major influence in Margaret's life-- sent her on her journey with the sage advice to 'Always build a nest in the eye of the storm'.

This grandmotherly wisdom has had a strong influence in my own life. Whenever major life events cause upheaval in my life, my mind returns to this saying, and I think how important it is to apply to my own life.

One thing I know--when you're in the middle of a crisis, the hardest thing is to think of taking care of yourself. You can forget to nourish your body, push your body to the limits with lack of sleep, and remain in a constant state of emotional overload. If you can allow yourself to focus on building a nest in the eye of the storm, you can begin to create a cushion to rest and space for thinking.

But what does it mean to build a nest in the eye of the storm?  When life is swirling around you like a hurricane--you find a way to create a home-base of comfort-- or nest-- from which you can rebuild your daily existence.

Start with the basics to nourish your body and rest your nerves. Your body likes a regular rhythm that includes regular heart beats, breaths, sleep patterns, eating times, moving times, and rest time.

Start by getting your natural rhythms back in place. Eat regular, well-balanced meals that nourish you. Pace yourself--put a time limit on dealing with your difficulties--and take regular rest breaks. Go to bed early. If you're caring for others, take care of yourself first, so you have the strength and endurance to continue to help others.

We all do our best thinking and acting when we do it in a place of safety and security. The key is to find a way to create your nest---no matter what storm is brewing. It may not be easy, but it is essential.

Life is a cycle, always in motion; if good times have moved on, so will times of trouble!
Indian Proverb

That'll Do Dog, That'll Do.



Kipper Cowden Murray, 1995-2011



'To err is human, to forgive, canine.' Anon

That'll Do Dog, That'll Do

When I heard Kipper, the well-loved companion and keeper of the Cowden family died, years of childhood memories washed over me.

Debbie Cowden has been a family friend for 50 years. Growing up, we lived on the same street surrounded by pastures, apricot orchards and animals. My sister, Nancy, and Debbie spent long hours romping through those fields with Bumble and Yuko. In more recent years their dogs Honey and Kipper romped through the fields above the bluffs of Half Moon Bay, California.

When our black lab, Bumble, died, someone gave us a copy of the following 'Last Will and Testament of an Extremely Loved Dog' by Eugene O'Neill. To a dog lover, who knows the tender care, love, and laughter our dogs bring to us, this last will and testament brings comfort.

Over the years our copy disappeared, but I thought about it every time one of our beloved pals passed on. Thanks to the internet, I found it and offer it as a tribute to Kipper and to all great and beloved dogs that have graced our lives with their presence and quietly passed on.

The Last Will & Testament of an Extremely Loved Dog

by Eugene O'Neill

I, Silverdene Emblem O'Neill (familiarly known to my family, friends & acquaintances as Blemie), because the burden of my years and infirmities is heavy upon me, and I realize the end of my life is near, do hereby bury my last will and testament in the mind of my Master. He will not know it is there until after I am dead. Then, remembering me in his loneliness, he will suddenly know of this testament, and I ask him to inscribe it as a memorial to me.

I have little in the way of material things to leave. Dogs are wiser than men. They do not set great store upon things. They do not waste their days hoarding property. They do not ruin their sleep worrying about how to keep the objects they have, and to obtain objects they have not.

There is nothing of value I have to bequeath except my love and my loyalty. These I leave to all those who have loved me, especially to my Master and Mistress, who I know will mourn me the most.

I ask my Master and my Mistress to remember me always, but not to grieve for me too long. In my life, I have tried to be a comfort to them in time of sorrow, and a reason for added joy in their happiness. It is painful for me to think that even in death I should cause them pain.

Let them remember that while no dog has ever had a happier life (and this I owe to their love and care for me), now that I have grown blind and deaf and lame, and even my sense of smell fails me so that a rabbit could be right under my nose and I might not know, my pride has sunk to a sick, bewildered humiliation.

I feel life is taunting me with having over lingered my welcome. It is time I said good-bye, before I become too sick a burden on myself and on those who love me.

It will be a sorrow to leave them, but not a sorrow to die. Dogs do not fear death as men do. We accept it as part of life, not as something alien and terrible which destroys life. What may come after death, who knows?

I would like to believe that there is a Paradise. Where one is always young and full-bladdered. Where all the day one dillies and dallies. Where each blissful hour is mealtime. Where in the long evenings there are a million fireplaces with logs forever burning, and one curls oneself up and blinks into the flames and nods and dreams, remembering the old brave days on earth and the love of one's Master and Mistress.

I am afraid that this is too much for even such a dog as I am to expect. But peace, at least, is certain. Peace and a long rest for my weary old heart and head and limbs, and eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.

Perhaps, after all, this is best.

One last request, I earnestly make. I have heard my Mistress say, "When Blemie dies we must never have another dog. I love him so much I could never love another one". Now I would ask her, for love of me, to have another. It would be a poor tribute to my memory never to have a dog again.

What I would like to feel is that, having once had me in the family, she cannot live without a dog!

I have never had a narrow, jealous spirit. I have always held that most dogs are good. My successor can hardly be as well-loved or as well-mannered or as distinguished and handsome as I was in my prime. My Master and Mistress must not ask the impossible. But he will do his best, I am sure, and even his inevitable defects will help by comparison to keep my memory green.

To him I bequeath my collar and leash and my overcoat and raincoat He can never wear them with the distinction I did, all eyes fixed on me in admiration; but again I am sure he will do his utmost not to appear a mere gauche provincial dog.

I hereby wish him the happiness I know will be his in my old home.

One last word of farewell, dear Master and Mistress. Whenever you visit my grave, say to yourselves with regret but also with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long, happy life with you:

"Here lies one who loved us and whom we loved". No matter how deep my sleep I shall hear you and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail.

I will always love you as only a dog can.

A Tribute to Kipper Cowden Murray, 1995-2011 (16+ years young)
By Debbie Cowden

Our wonderful, miracle, surf dog and nanny was laid to rest today in Half Moon Bay. He swam and surfed the Pacific ocean waves, but he shivered to take a hosed bath afterward. He helped raise four active kids, chickens, ducks, cats, birds, and even fish. He loved and ran towards band practice, lied down between the bass player and the bass drum and then sat up to provide vocals with the sax. He ran interference for the hockey players and he played tea-party with the young girls. He spent many late nights with whoever needed to stay up late to support whatever needed supporting. He could clear the fence in a single bound, but never did. And, it wasn't his fault when the mail lady dropped her bundle, either. He was always, always, always a good dog. He will be remembered as the dog who picked us. We will miss you Kipper. We love you.

A Welcome Moment of Quiet Reflection

Wang Wei Reaches Through the Ages

Wang Wei, an 8th century Chinese poet and devote Buddhist is best known for his poems like this one-- four simple lines of verse depicting quiet scenes of water and mist, and little human presence. Referred to as 'the Poet Buddha', his poems were said to 'hold a painting in them'. 

A Welcome Moment of Quiet Reflection

I offer you this restful Wang Wei poem to contemplate before you start your week. Take a moment to quietly relax, reflect and retreat.

Celebrate Your Successes with Child-like Enthusiasm

Upside Down and Backwards makes me feel Clever as Clever!

Look closely at the image above. What do you see? That's right-- upside down and backwards words! And that's why I'm feeling childishly clever as clever! I figured out how to create an envelope template so the words on the back of the envelope would be upright. It's downright inspiring!

Adults--Kids in Big Bodies

At our adult core, we're just kids in big bodies. Behind our eyes lies our innocent emotionally-tender selves. When we're hurt by others, we can return to feeling like the adolescent on the playground, and when we successfully overcome obstacles we can experience child-like joy and self-satisfaction.

I admit it--I am spatially inept--and also easily amused with myself when I figure out how to make something work spatially.

Multiple Intelligences--We can be Good at Some Things and not so Good at Others

Thirty years ago, Howard Gardner, a Professor at Harvard University introduced the theory of multiple intelligences that included different brain centers for linguistic, musical, logical-mathematical, bodily-kinesthetic, intra-personal, inter-personal, and visual-spatial intelligence.

My weakest intelligence is the visual-spatial. I still have difficulty with laterality--knowing my right from my left. So try as I might, I just can't visualize in my head how things relate in space.

But I've learned a little trick. If I stop trying to figure it out consciously, and simply trust there's a simple way to do it, I'll see it and figure it out. Ultimately this leaves me feeling very smart indeed--returning me to that inner child to revel in my serendipitous success with unself-conscious, child-like joy.

Our Weaknesses Are Our Strengths--Got to Love Them!

I learned long ago my weaknesses are my greatest assets. The very things I struggle with are the same things that make me a good teacher, facilitator, writer, and artist--as well as a good mother, spouse and friend. I know if I struggle with something, other people do too. And if I can figure out how to deal with my weakness, I can turn around and help someone else who is struggling.

What are your weaknesses? What is difficult for you to do or accomplish? Don't hide your less-than-perfect abilities or characteristics. Look outside yourself to see how many other people could benefit from you turning your weakness into a strength, and sharing your success.

Overcoming weaknesses is exhilarating! Allow yourself to bask in your own child-like joy and self-satisfaction when you figure out how to do the thing that is difficult for you to do. Then share your self-satisfaction with others and let them see that smile on your face. A life of mastering obstacles is a life of unbridled joy.

Celebrate Your Successes from Six to Sixty

It was Christopher Robin in A.A. Milne's poem, 'Now We Are Six' who celebrates his cleverness at six who exclaims, "I'm as clever as clever."

Re-ignite your child-like enthusiasm and belief in your abilities-- no matter your age.  Stop to celebrate your successes with unbridled joy and acknowledge you are clever as clever as often as possible.

With many thanks to A.A. Milne for his clever as clever poem, I offer a life-extension to his  age of cleverness, and  encourage you to celebrate your cleverness at each and every age. Stop and celebrate how clever you are throughout your lifetime.

Now We Are Sixty

When I was ten,

I had just begun.

When I was twenty-two,

I was nearly new.

When I was thirty-three,

I was hardly me.

When I was forty-four,

I was not much more.

When I was fifty-five,

I was just alive.

But now I am almost sixty,

I'm as clever as clever.

I think I'll stay sixty

for ever and ever.

....With thanks to A.A. Milne for letting us be clever as clever from six to sixty.

Simple Ways to Be Happy by Connecting with Others

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

"How's your new boss?" I asked a friend I hadn't seen in a while.

Her eye-roll and long pause said it all.

"Not so good. It's been 65 days--and counting since he even looked at me and said hello. I mark the event on my calendar when he does."

Another woman, learning a new job in customer service says one of her new co-workers has refused to talk to her for the four months she has been working with her.

"Every morning for the last four months I walk in and say good morning to her, but she simply ignores me."

How can this be?

Hello~Bonjour~ Hola~ Ciao

Greeting another when your paths cross is such a simple social grace. It takes no time to look another in the eyes and offer a simple greeting-- and it can add so much to your own feelings of being connected with others.

"Good morning!"
"Have a nice day."
"Nice chatting."
"Good to meet you."
"Love you."
"Be well."
"Peace be with you."

When was the last time you paused to greet family, co-workers or strangers? That old sarcastic reply, 'I'm still here aren't I' to a spouse's question 'do you love me?' certainly does nothing to leave the spouse feeling connected and appreciated. Likewise, when you fail to acknowledge and greet people in your presence--whether co-worker or stranger--you leave them feeling invisible, unwelcome and disliked. And ultimately you are the one who ends up disconnected and isolated.

The Art of Making People Feel Welcome

No matter what the situation, we all want to feel others are happy to be in our presence--including you. From the first day of work to the last, we want to feel welcome and included in the workplace. When we join online  discussions or in-person social groups we want to feel welcome and a part of the group.

When we feel welcome and appreciated, we do our best work, bring our best discussions and enjoy connecting with the people around us.

The art of making people feel welcome is simple: in all situations convey the four messages all people want to hear:

The Four Messages All People Want to Hear

I'm glad I'm here.


I'm glad you're here.


I care about you.


I know that I know.

You don't have to actually say those words--you need to convey the message through your actions. The simple social nicety of greeting people is a great first step. When you convey these four messages to the people you interact with in each meeting you will find you connect with people--and your own happiness factor will rise.

Check it out: Are You Connecting?

How do you make the people around you feel?

Do you practice the art of making others feel welcome and connected? Or are you so concerned about making an impression, getting your work done or finding the next opportunity you can't be bothered with how you make others feel?

Are you feeling dis-connected and set apart from the people around you?


How high is your 'Hello Factor'?

Run a 24 hour experiment: Consciously greet and acknowledge each and every person who crosses your path for 24 hours. As you increase your 'Hello Factor' does your 'Happiness Factor' increase?

What Do You Do With Hurt and Bitterness? Let It Go

What Hurts Are You Carrying Around?

• Who or what has hurt you recently?
• What do you feel bitter about?
• Where in your heart of hearts do you feel life has done you wrong?

Sometimes Life Lets You Down

Ah, Life. Sometimes it lets you down. That job you wanted that slipped through your fingers; that love interest who did you wrong; that organization that treated you poorly; that economy that failed you financially; or just that summer that provided you with too little sun.

Sometimes your life can leave you feeling betrayed and bitter. That's okay--acknowledge and name what you're feeling--and sit in your sorrow for a while. But when you're ready to brush yourself off and get back on top of the world, let it go.

You're Made of Strong Stuff

Face it--you're made of strong stuff and you want to enjoy a life fully engaged. You have what it takes to move through whatever challenge life presents you--and you're worthy of enjoying a rich, meaningful life.

Think about it--how is that hurt and bitterness you're harboring inside getting in the way of you engaging in or enjoying your life? What good things could you see in your life if you let these soul-killing feelings go?

• Have you failed to apply for a job because you're bitter about the last job interview?
• Did you fail to ask that new person out because the last one hurt you?
• Have you isolated yourself because you are hurt or bitter about how someone treated you? Have you refused invitations to get together with friends because you're home licking your wounds?
• Is that bitterness about making less than you deserve getting in the way of you appreciating the good things in the job or zapping your energy to look for a better paying job?
  
  When you consciously cleanse hard feelings out of your soul you make room for more uplifting and positive experiences and people to come into your life. You can see current opportunities in your life when you stop wasting your energy on maintaining the hurt and bitterness. So don't stuff your feelings; cleanse them.
  
  Do You Care Enough About Yourself to Let it Go?
  
  The question is, do you care enough about yourself to let it go? If yes, make today the day you affirm 'my soul is cleansed of hurt and bitterness'--and take a step toward doing something affirming that fills you with feelings of self-worth, fulfillment, and connection to life and others. You are worth it. Do it now.

The Key to an Empowered Life--A Still Mind

To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. Lao Tzu, 6th century BC

Have you ever noticed you are always listening or looking for something to capture the essence of your experience and how you feel about it?

I recently received a gift of thought from David Impey from Bristol, UK. I don't know David, but I like him already. Why? Because he shared this quote from Lao Tzu in an online discussion group that spoke to my heart:

"To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

The Ultimate Key to Living an Empowered Life

Take a moment to let this thought seep into your soul--to a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. Consciously accepting and practicing 'a stilling of the mind' is the ultimate key to living an empowered life. Why? --Because it gives you choices.

Who wouldn't want the whole universe to surrender to them? But think about how we usually go about accomplishing it--through force, not gentleness.

Instead of quieting ourselves to allow the universe to open up for us, we work hard to conquer the universe through forceful action--laying a plan, working a plan, and engaging in frenetic goal-oriented activity. We hurry to busy ourselves in the next activity, often with the results of 'straightening the chairs on the Titanic of our life'.

I don't know about you, but I regularly need to remind myself to slow down and quiet my mind. When I still my mind the universe does open up for me---I see options I couldn't through the hyperactivity and pushing, and I take better, more deliberate steps toward a fulfilling life.

Nature Does Not Hurry, Yet Everything is Accomplished 

'Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished' is yet another piece of wisdom from Lao Tzu that goes so well with the other. Grass does not try to grow. Water does not try to flow. Flowers do not try to bloom. They just do. There is no hurry in plant time, just the simple flow of life in the right time.

So pull back, quiet your mind, and allow the simple flow of your life to happen in the right time. Children grow up. People find mates. People find fulfilling jobs. Roads and bridges get built. Communities heal. Hurts heal.

Stop hurrying to straighten those chairs in your life. They'll still be available to straighten later if you really must. But chances are, going forward with a stilled mind, you won't see them. With a cleared mind and an open heart your life will be cleared for things of importance--and the universe will unveil all its secrets to you in the right time.

This post is dedicated to David Impey, Bristol, UK, for bringing me the universe with this timeless wisdom.

How to Step into Your Life--Play Your Own Interactive Life Game of Twenty Questions

'It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers' James Thurber

Do you know some of the questions to ask yourself?

What direction is your life taking at the moment? Is it where you want to go?

What are your burning life questions?

If you were to do something surprising with your life, what would it be?

What is the most interesting question someone has asked you about your life?

What is the most important thing you could do with your life? How can you be of greatest service to others?

What's stopping you from taking a step--any step?

Putting Your Cards on the Table

Face it--sometimes you don't know what you want--you just know where you are isn't it. Or you know where you want to go but you don't know how to get there. Feeling blue and unmotivated you fail to take a step because you're uncertain what step to take. If you let yourself stay in these paralyzing thoughts, you can really spiral down into isolation and inactivity.

Time to Put Your Game Face On--and Get Back in the Game

What IS stopping you from taking a step? Fear? Shame? Insecurity? Lack of confidence? Feeling overwhelmed?

No matter what the reason--or even if you don't know the reason--it's time to reach out to a trusted friend or two and engage in a game of twenty questions--in which you listen to and respond to the questions they ask you about your life.

To get back in the game: Begin by suspending judgment on your life and self. Contact one person to get together for conversation away from your usual environment--go for a walk and talk, or for coffee somewhere new. Just the act of getting out of your usual environment will help you experience a new perspective on life and energize your thinking.

Living Life as a Game of Twenty Questions

Lately I've been experiencing my own life as a game of twenty questions-- in which other people ask me questions forcing me to choose a path. If you are open to being influenced by others--as I am-- this is a very interesting and useful way to live life--as long as you choose positive people to influence your life.

Because we see ourselves for who we aren't and other people see us for who we are, our trusted friends and family are in a unique position of being able to see where our talents and positive characteristics lie. They often zero in on the exact thing we need to step around or step into with both feet.

The key is to get yourself out of your own head--and to consciously engage in your conversations as if you were playing a game of twenty questions--only in this game you start with a 'blank screen' and see where you end up.

Starting the Game of Twenty Questions with a Blank Screen

This is a very interesting and enlightening way to play the game of twenty questions: Start with a 'blank screen'--do not have a person in mind when you begin the game. Notice, as the other person asks you questions--Is this person young or old? Male or female? Dead or alive?--where you started without a vision of this person you very shortly begin to form a picture in your mind. Test this out by clicking on the link to play 20 questions below.

Click on this link and begin to play without thinking about someone famous.

Notice as you answer the questions you are lead down a path and eventually have a picture of someone in your head.
http://www.akinator.mobi/

Play Your Own Interactive Life Game of Twenty Questions

You can continue your own real life game of twenty questions by stepping into your life to ask a question and learn the answer. Apply for one job to find out 'am I interested in this job?' Ask one person on a date to determine 'am I interested in dating or in this person?' Attend one retirement seminar to determine 'am I ready and able to retire?'  Get out of the house and go for one walk to discover 'do I feel better when I'm active or taking action--no matter how small?'

Want to Help Me Play Twenty Questions?

I would love to have you influence my thinking. Click on the word comments below. If you are confused how to comment as yourself, leave an anonymous comment. You can also e-mail me or leave a comment on facebook.

What questions would you have me ask myself?
What is the focus of Lightarted Living?
Is Lightarted Living going in the right direction?
How would you describe the audience for Lightarted Living?

Thanks for playing!

Practice Mindfulness--May There be Peace Within You

  

Are You Listening?

How many times have you been sent this simple message from an angel in your life--someone who takes the time to wish you well? What did you do with the message? Delete it? Read it impatiently so you could hurry on with your day?

It doesn't matter what your spiritual leanings are. It isn't about whether you believe in Saints, religion or angels. It is about someone thinking about YOU and wishing you well. This simple blessing is worth a moment of contemplation each and every time you receive it.

Practice Mindfulness

I receive this blessing at least every other month. When it arrives I stop and do something with it to let the message seep in. I read it as if I have never seen it before--and I read it as if the person who sent it really cares. Discover the meaning in the words for your life today by asking questions.

Where in my life am I feeling anxious, cluttered, or hurried? Let it go.

Where is it I'm trying to get to in my life that isn't here? Relax--I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Where have I closed myself in? Remember the vast possibilities available to me.

What are my gifts? Am I giving them to the world fully today? Who do I need to pass the love onto today? Who needs to know they are loved?

Where in my life do I lack a feeling of contentment? Let it go. Rest in the knowledge I am a child of God and all is well in my world.

How can I let this seep into my bones? Today I will fully give of myself and contribute enthusiastically to the world around me.

We all need to be mindful of the blessings and well-wishing that surrounds our day. May there be peace within you.

Today's post is dedicated to my cousin, Cynthia Kendall for being one of my angels. Who are yours?

The Non-Perfectionist's Motto--If You're Going to do Something Wrong, at Least Enjoy it!

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." Anais Nin

Celebrate Your Imperfections

Tired of feeling guilty for your imperfections? Give it up! Celebrate and enjoy your imperfections--they show you're human.

Why waste your time striving for perfection? You'll end up spending 90% of your time on perfecting the last 10%. In the end-- if you are a perfectionist---you still won't be happy with your final product. Learn to apply 'good enough'--and find a way to enjoy your imperfections.

An Oriental Rug's Value is in its Imperfections

Ask any oriental rug dealer and you'll learn--the rug's value is found in its imperfections. Machine made rugs are perfect; but handmade rugs have imperfections. Oriental rug collectors look for those imperfections to prove the value of the rug.

Why not think of yourself as a 'rug in progress'? You're not a cookie-cutter human  who is stamped out to look and be perfect. Learn to value your imperfections. And remember-- if you're going to do something wrong--at least enjoy it!

Slow Down-- Love Your Life

Life is Short

I received two e-mails on the same day containing the Slow Dance poem-- "written by a young girl dying of cancer."

Her dying wish --according to the e-mail-- is she wants to send a message out to all of us to live our life to the fullest--because life is short. 

Would You Listen If Slow Dance Wasn't Written by a Dying Girl?

A cynical side of me asked, 'What if this is a scam?' (The email includes a request for you to send the email to as many people as you can.) The trusting side replied, 'So what? The message is good--and we can all afford to listen to, and act on the message. 

So the old 'trust, but verify' ---turned into 'verify, but trust anyway' for me. I looked up 'Slow Dance Poem' on Snopes--and sure enough, this lovely poem wasn't written by a girl dying of cancer--it was written by a child psychologist, David L Weatherford. While I wasn't willing to forward the email to more people, I was willing to share the poem with you.

For me, the message in the poem is no less powerful. Slow down and enjoy your life NOW. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can appreciate and engage in today.

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a

butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask "How are you?"

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run

so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

A Good Laugh is Sunshine in a House--A Lesson in Do It Yourself

Q'Art for the Soul

I love working with kids creating art. They're fearless, love bright colors and ignore imperfections.

Watch kids when they create.

They don't think about getting into a state of flow--they just naturally do it when engaged in creative activities. For those few short minutes, they concentrate as their heart rate and breathing become slow and regular. The outside world disappears as they focus on playing. And they love what they create.

We can learn from these pure and innocent souls. A few short minutes of mind rest is all we need to retreat and renew our spirit and soul.

You can create a few minutes to renew your spirit where ever you are just by having a black pen, a few colored pencils and some paper. These spirit survival supplies don't take up much room and they travel well. You can create your own Q'Art sitting by the pool or in the garden in the summer time, or while traveling on a business trip or taking a break at work.

A Lesson in Do It Yourself

This Quote Art (Q'Art) --'A good laugh is sunshine in a house'-- was created while I was working with a classroom of third graders to create and decorate their own poetry. It is easy and fun to dress up quotes to make your own Q'Art. Be careful--it's addictive!

1.  Develop a template. Use 'A good laugh is sunshine in a house' format if you wish--with a place for your quote in the middle and separate squares around to individually decorate. If you are a perfectionist, use a ruler; If you can live with imperfection, don't. Once you have a format you like, make copies of your template to take with you to play with.

2. Collect Quotes.   You don't need to use calligraphy to create the quote. Just play with the letters. If you don't like what you create you can toss it.

3.  Choose a Motif to Decorate the Border. I chose to use geometric shapes with a repeating pattern. Use black pen to create the pattern in each square.

4. Color and Embellish. Use the color pencils to color in your design. Embellish with gold or silver pen.

Rest Your Brain and Have Fun

Now don't just sit there---go play. You know you want to do it! You probably have some felt pens, black ink pens and paper at your fingertips. Go doodle and have fun NOW!

Turning Fear into Faith

Turning Fear into Faith Using Quote Art

I am compelled to learn by doing something with messages and quotes sent to me by others. I call what I do Q'art  (quote art) or responsoral art. It is a form of active meditation in which I let the messages seep into my being through playing with color, texture and words. It is my active response to the messages I want to lead my life.

Color Up Your World

Our minds love strong visual images--especially color. You do not have to be an artist to pick up some watercolor and color up a favorite affirmation or quote. All you need is patience and time. Dressing up your favorite quote or affirmation with color is a great way to quiet your mind, focus your attention on the positive, and get into a flow experience.

Turning Fear into Faith

Turning fear into faith was created by changing the color and size of the letters on the computer, and inserting an affirmation heart I created and scanned into the computer. Why not try to do this yourself---and turn your fear of using the computer into faith in your abilities to persist and figure it out. Once you get into the rhythm of playing with the colors and size of the letters on the computer it gets to be fun.

P.S. Thanks Alan!
Thanks to Alan Brown on my MBTI LinkedIn discussion group for asking  to see some of the responsoral art. Today's Q'art is dedicated to this INFP.

The Secrets of Upbeat People



Happy Day

Lost Your Resiliency Lately?

• Have you had more than your fair share of hardships lately?
• Are you isolated and feeling discouraged about your circumstances? Have you lost something or someone important in your life?
• Does it sometimes feel like you'll never get that job or relationship that seems to come so freely to others?

Life certainly brings plenty of difficulties to stop us in our tracks and leave us feeling discouraged. Everyone--even optimistic, upbeat people get sad, discouraged, lonely, and fearful. The difference is upbeat people know how to pull themselves out of the doldrums sooner.

How Do They Do It?

What are the secrets of upbeat people? Why are they able to maintain optimism in the face of difficult situations and exhibit resiliency in stressful situations? What do upbeat people do differently to bounce back?

The Secrets to Staying Upbeat

Upbeat people have faith in their ability to create their future. Through taking action they show themselves they are empowered to direct their lives--even when they're down.

Upbeat people understand the key to being empowered-- Knowing they have choices and acting on those choices. They always have one more action to take and one more card up their sleeve. This gives them power and a resilient attitude.

For upbeat people, their patience and persistence ultimately leads to payoffs. As long as we have options we can act on, we can move past disappointment and discouragement.

From Discouraged to Determined to Delighted

If you watch upbeat people carefully when they're in a difficult moment, you'll see them artfully wiggle out of being stuck. It isn't necessarily a conscious action; it's just a natural reaction to being stuck. They don't like it, so they step beyond it.

I got a call from a young friend who was discouraged that a job she thought she was going to get fell through. When she didn't get the call she was expecting, she went back to the restaurant to check on the status of her application and was told they gave the job to someone else. Discouraged, she called to talk. I listened.

 As she talked, she described what happened and acknowledged her disappointment. As I listened I witnessed her transition from being discouraged to planning her next step. Once she consciously named what happened and how she felt about it her eyes were clearly fixed back on the goal--to get a job. By the time she was finished talking she had gone from discouraged to determined.

"I'm going to print out 20 more resumes today and drop them off," she said.

The next day she called me to say the first place she walked into hired her on the spot.  She had regained her power and gone from discouraged to determined to delighted by taking action.

"I like the owner, my co-workers and the customers!"

This upbeat young woman was literally one step away from getting a job. By persisting after she was discouraged she bounced back and empowered herself to take the next step.

Like this young woman, upbeat people continue to step into life despite failure, obstacles, and getting hurt. The message is--sometimes that job or relationship is coming with the next step-- so keep taking action in a direction that leads to accomplishing your goal even when you have continuously failed.

Six Steps to Becoming Upbeat After Getting Discouraged

1. Acknowledge your feelings and what happened--then move past your moment of discouragement into a plan for taking the next step.

2. Find your questions and step into life to discover the answers. What are the problems you're trying to solve? What are your current life questions? What's the problem, and what do you want to do about it? Where are your options? What do you choose to do?

If you're lonely and want to be in a relationship, put time into studying what other people do to meet and be available for an opportunity. Where are you living? Where are you working? What do you spend your free time doing? When you examine your current life do you see opportunities to meet people through those activities or in those places, or do you need to rearrange your time and life?

3. Use distraction--sometimes when things just aren't going your way, you can  'act as if' at that moment of loneliness or discouragement. Go do something else--exercise, take a class, visit a friend--and act as if you really want to engage in this distraction to give your mind a rest.

4. Stay connected--call friends to talk through your current situation; join groups with similar interests, get involved in a cause--put your energies into caring about others.

5. Stay well-nourished, well-rested, and active—even when you don't feel like it.

6. Learn to laugh at your troubles. As Will Rogers said, "If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."

Life is often challenging, and sometimes downright hard. Become an upbeat person-- accept the realities of life, and find a way to create pockets of hope through your actions.

Ode To Daddy



Daddy


In Honor of Father's Day

My 94-year old father is amazing. He is the original recycler, organic gardener, bee charmer, and grower of free-range, veggie-fed chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, and squab.

Although he was a theoretical physicist, my father was never pretentious. One time, after a truck-driving friend spent an hour talking to my father he later asked me what my father did for work. I replied 'he's a physicist'--and he about fell off his chair.

"Wow," he said. "I took him for a retired trolley-car driver! What a nice man."

My father took an active role in making sure we were well nourished--including feeding each of us a tablespoon of cod liver oil every day before we took that long windy bus ride to school. With six kids, believe me; we all hoped he'd miss our daily dose and we could quietly slip out the door without notice.

We weren't allowed to use sugar when we could use honey to sweeten things, and we always ate whole grain bread. Boy, did we love it when we ran out of bread and my mother had to borrow Wonder Bread from a neighbor for our school lunches!

I have fond memories of greeting my father in the afternoons when he came home from work. I'd check his pockets for left over Brewer's Yeast tablets. I thought they were a tasty treat--much like the Chiclet gum he'd have in his pockets after a trip.

I learned about life--and how to be a scientist--from helping my father around the garden and with the animals. My first lessons in anatomy and physiology were at his side.

When we were growing up, my father surrounded us with lots of animals-- some raised for food and others that were pets. It was a very rich environment for learning about behavior, relationships and love. We had half moon parrots who cuddled up to us to sing us their sweet Chee love song. To this day I refer to loving people as Chee Birds.

In honor of Father's Day I'm sharing my Ode to Daddy I wrote for my Chee Bird father in 1998, while my mother, who we called Moo, and Fred and Wilma--a pair of geese mated for a lifespan of 30 years-- were all still living.

My wish for all of you, dear readers, is that you also have a Chee Bird for a father, and you are filled with fond memories to cherish and celebrate this Father's Day.

Ode To Daddy

The older he gets,
The softer the He.
His feathers don't ruffle,
His song is a Cheeee.
For a tough old bird,
He's aging just fine.
He mellows so sweetly,
With the passing of time.

Like a loyal old dog,
Choosing a bed with care,
He finds his own spot,
In his own special chair.

Positioned near the window,
And also the bed,
He has a view of all doors,
The dog and Moo's head.

Six kids he raised,
With his system in place,
His face like a bull,
Charging with strength.
He bellowed and snorted,
And you did what he said,
but you loved your sweet Daddy,
Who tucked you in bed.

"Who you analyzing now, Suz?"
He'd say to me.
Then with a pat on the head,
He'd slink away.
Garbage pail in hand,
He'd climb the hill,
To let chickens and ducks eat their fill.

"But-a-cock, but-a-coo,"
Called the chickens to you.
"Move aside," said the ducks,
"And quack, quack to you!"

The Depression and Science both influenced his life.
As he applied what he learned, he used everything twice.

Around the house stood his masterpieces galore,
Some in the pigeon pen,
Some on the floor.
Recycled radiators re-serving their time,
cooling the house in the hot summer time.
Reused toilets standing so tall,
A statue for pigeons and party guests who'd call.

And like Fred watching over his snowy white wife,
You've cared for your Rosemary all of your life.
Fred brought his wife a field with snails and such things.
You brought your wife children, love, and other practical things.

So Chee Bird, or Old Dog, or Silly Old Goose,
Sit down and rest.
Your children all love you,
And think you're the BEST!