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Saturday, February 18, 2017

Effective Communication: Criticize with Compassion when it really matters


Do you deliver compassionate or judgmental criticism?

How Effective is the Criticism You Deliver to Others?

I don't know about you, but I like to think of myself as a person who strives to do good and feel good about the way I work with others--with the ultimate desire to influence and motivate others to be their best. Yet I fall short of doing the best by others on a daily basis. And I know the truth.


I know if I truly want to influence, motivate and communicate effectively I need to provide information in a way that opens people up to hearing what I have to say rather than in a way that will shut them up and put them on the defensive. So when I fall short of my desire to 'be good and do good' by others I have to check my intentions--and perhaps start over.



You know the truth

Like me, you are the only one who sees what really goes on behind your eyes. And you are the only one who can truly know what's in your heart. What are your intentions when you give feedback to that co-worker or loved one?  

If you want to effectively communicate to positively influence those close to you--you need to criticize with compassion--and that means checking your intentions when things go haywire. 

You can present a good face to others--and also present a good face to yourself. But a good face is not the same as a good heart. It's too easy for us to lie to ourselves and maintain that 'I'm a good person who only does good' image by skipping over the truth.



You are the only one who sees behind your eyes and in your heart

Check Your Intentions

When your intentions are good, and you really want to provide criticism to someone in a way that helps her grow you need to provide factual information in a compassionate manner, otherwise she'll get her hackles up and go on the defensive. 


Here is a simple way to test the truth of how 'good' your interactions and intentions are with others. Compare how you deal with others--either in your head or in your words-- with how you'd like to be treated when getting feedback by examining recent exchanges.

Think about how you interacted with others in the past three days.
 

💓How did you talk to or about co-workers or loved ones who messed up or did something wrong?
💓Did you begin by pointing out what needs improvement or what they did wrong?
💓Were you disapproving and judgmental--in your head or in your words?



Are you more compassionate or judgmental in your criticism?

Do You Pass the 'Do unto Others as You'd Like Done unto You' Test? Do You Give what You'd Like to Get?

💓How do you want to be dealt with if you do something wrong?
💓Would you be defensive if others talked with you about your deficiencies the way you talk with them about theirs?

When you compare how you dealt with others with how you prefer to be treated when getting feedback--how compassionate was your criticism? How effective was your communication? Did you get the desired outcome?

Can you honestly say if the conversation was reversed--and you were on the receiving end of the 'feedback' you gave--you would feel good about the interaction and go away feeling you had food for thought? 


And when you look deeply at your intentions in giving feedback--were your intentions to communicate, influence, or motivate, or were your intentions to belittle, demoralize or shut up an adversary?

I have to admit as 'good' as I think I am, I regularly fail to pass the 'me too' test--especially in the conversations that take place in my head. 'So what?'--maybe I don't feel kindly towards that person. If that is the truth of the matter--then I need to own up to that truth and stop pretending to be taking the high road.





When it really matters stop and start over


When it Really Matters

If you want to feel good and at peace with yourself you eventually need to find a way to make peace with where co-workers and loved ones are too. When it really matters, quit 'making them wrong' and make peace with where they are too.

At the end of the day, it is you who is left with the results of your actions and thoughts. 


If you don't care if your communication is effective with someone--it won't matter if your exchange goes south. But if you do care, do something about it.

When it really matters--when you want to maintain trust with co-workers or loved ones--base your intentions on kindness and compassion when giving difficult feedback and reach out to others in a way you want to be treated. When your communication goes wonky, seek a do over to put your relationship back on solid footing based on mutual trust.



When it really matters communicate compassionately

When it really matters communicate compassionately using 'soft openings', asking clarifying questions, factually stating the issues, listening to hear and understand.





Every human being comes into the world as GOOD.
Find a way to speak to the GOOD in others.


Helping Others Remember Who they are
"I was recently told of an African tribe that does the most beautiful thing.
When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done.
 The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as GOOD, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness.
But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes. The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help.
They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he'd temporarily been disconnected: "I AM GOOD"."
From Sun Gazing http://www.sun-gazing.com


I am Good

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.

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