Curb Your Anger: Violate Personal Boundaries at Your Own Risk
Now I'm Really Angry…
Do you remember the whack-a-mole game at the arcades that you'd try to bop them on the head with a mallet to win? I do. I loved the feel of hitting them with the mallet. They'd pop out of their holes and you had to hit them before they snuck back down. And half way through, you'd hear, 'Now I'm really angry'….and the rate of alligators sticking their heads out sped up as did your intensity.
While it's acceptable to smash a game creature with a mallet on the head, with a real human you have to find other ways to successfully respond when you're angry. This is especially true when you value and care about the other person.
What drives you to the breaking point--leaving you feeling crazy, angry and frustrated?
- What tips you over the top leaving you feeling mad at the whole world without knowing why?
- What turns you from being a fully-functioning adult into a seemingly helpless and frustrated child inside?
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E-motion--Don't Leave Home without it
I hate to feel stuck or controlled--it makes me angry and frustrated. I am driven by the desire to move freely in my daily life, so seeking a way to quickly break free from encumbrances became important to me at a young age. Years ago I embraced a definition of emotion that allowed me to view all emotion in a positive light and to use it in a more fluid, productive manner.
Instead of viewing emotion as good or bad, happy or sad--I came to understand E-motion as energy in motion. Our e-motions give us the energy to act, the drive to right wrongs, and the desire to pursue our dreams.
Personal Values Define Our Internal 'Lines in the Sand'
The goal of managing your anger isn't to become a placid person devoid of emotion. It's to learn how to use the energy created by the e-motion to create positive outcomes.
The situations or people that make you exceptionally angry violate one or more of your personal values. Our personal values define our invisible boundaries--our lines in the sand. When someone crosses one of those lines we feel violated, resulting in a wall of anger and frustration. And anger left unattended can quickly turn inward and lead to depression.
I get angry or frustrated at least once a day. But I've learned to use that anger--or energy-in-motion to help me identify what personal values have been violated. Being able to name the invisible boundaries crossed puts me back in control and provides the momentum for taking positive action.
By using my anger to help me identify what I value, I now have choices for taking action based on what I value rather than on what makes me angry when it matters.
Use Your Anger to Identify what You Value
Don't just sit in your anger, use the energy to identify what your personal values are and take positive action based on them.
Situational depression occurs when you feel hopeless or helpless in response to a situation that knocks the wind out of you. To avoid getting depressed in response to tough situations, get in the habit of always following up by taking action that has the potential of producing positive outcomes for you.
What to Do
Think of a situation or person that upset you in the last week.
- What happened?
- List what made you angry or frustrated in the situation.
- List things you value that may have been violated in the situation.
- Chose a positive response based on your personal values.
- Take positive action--even if you don't feel like it.
Here are some of the things I've learned about myself by going through this process of converting anger into better understanding my personal values and choosing to take action based on those values.
What makes me Angry?
- Injustice
- Bullies
- Narcissists
- Scammers
- Untested Assumptions
- Overly Critical Judgments
- Controlling People
- Uncaring People
- Self-righteous People
- Lack of Opportunity for People
- Being Held Back
What Do I Value?
- Opportunity to Achieve
- Creativity
- 'Flow' Experiences
- Humane Treatment of People
- Humane Treatment of Animals
- Family and Friends
- Productive Work
- Harmony
- Freedom
- Caring
- Teamwork
- Enthusiasm
- Joyful Experiences
- Fun
- Achieving Personal Dreams
- Helping Others Achieve their Dreams
- Openness
- Truth
- Trust and Connection
How I want to act based on Anger
- Lash out at offender.
- Give them a dose of their own medicine.
- Cut offender off.
- Talk poorly about offender.
- Turn others against offender.
- Wish bad things on the offender.
Note: When dealing with scammers or abusive people, cutting them off is a very good option for responding to them. Don't answer phone calls from unknown people. Don't click on links sent to you. Cut nasty people out of your life as quickly and early as you can. And don't give them free rent in your head.
How I choose to act based on my Values with People I Value (Creating a Positive Outcome for me)
- Do nothing. Let my anger cool.
- Look for ways to open up communication and develop trust.
- Talk to, not about the person, to clarify facts and understanding.
- Seek to create opportunities to work with others joyfully and enthusiastically.
- Seek more positive environments.
- Reach out to others to build trust and connection.
Don't let yourself be led by your anger especially with the people you love and care about. Choosing your actions based on your values puts you in the driver seat. Put your e-motions to work for you--giving you the energy to act, the drive to right wrongs, and the desire to pursue your dreams. You're worth it.
The Guest House
Rumi
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