What Not to Say to a Loved One with a Difficult Diagnosis

 

Support Your Loved One's Strength

We all have an incredible amount of strength and fortitude to get through the most difficult challenges that life throws at us with grace and dignity. It is this strong part we need to address when loved ones are going through major challenges--especially major health challenges. We need to talk to their strength, not their weakness or fear. What we say needs to promote their getting through this experience with grace and grit.

Listen Calmly

Listen to what your loved one wants to tell you, don't hammer them with lots of questions. After getting a difficult diagnosis, we don't have any answers. And even after beginning treatment, we still may have no answers. It is distressing when friends and family keep pressing for answers when we're trying to wait calmly and patiently for things to unfold.

Don't be an Energy Vampire

Don't call and start blabbing. It is best to text or email to find out if a phone call is welcome, and then, to find out when would be a good time to talk. If your loved one picks up the call, first ask 'Is now an ok  time to talk?', and then be sensitive to how long they want to talk. 

If you suck the energy out of a loved one who is trying to manage their energy, they will probably stop picking up the phone when you call.

Remember this isn't about You

Don't tell your loved one how distressed you are about this. This isn't about you. Instead, its okay to say 'I'm here for you', 'I love you', or 'You've got this'.

Don't start talking about people you know who got this illness and died. Simply say 'I'm sorry you have to go through this.'

And certainly don't look up the diagnosis on the internet and immediately call the person to tell them the statistics of how long they have to live. It isn't helpful to say 'some people beat this so why not you?'. Simply say 'I'm sorry you have to go through this.'

As one of my friends said who just got her own difficult diagnosis, 'I'm not dead yet, and today I feel good! I don't need people calling to ask how much pain I'm in or thinking I'm keeling over tomorrow!' 

Don't assume the worst and don't keep asking 'how ARE you?' Instead, you can ask 'how are things going?', or 'what's good today?'

Concrete Acts of Caring

If you want to help and show you care, look for ways to provide practical, concrete acts of caring that your loved one agrees would be helpful. If they say they don't need help in that area, believe them!

If ok'ed by your loved one:

• Set up or participate in a meal train
• Set up or participate in a daily walking schedule
• Walk the dog, or to set up playdates with the dog
• Clean the house
• Drive to appointments
• Get groceries
• Other specific practical activities requested

In Times of Trouble we need to Build a Nest in the Eye of the Storm

When the storm of life swirls around us we need to stop to build a nest in the eye of the storm. From the comfort of safety and calm we can begin each day seeing our way forward one moment at a time, and we can work from our strength to navigate life calmly and gracefully.

If you want to be supportive of a person newly diagnosed with a major illness, learn to sit alongside them quietly and calmly, and allow them to take it one day at a time.

Take your cues from them. When in doubt, say nothing. Listen.