Living with Integrity Results in Higher Self Esteem

'When you choose to act with integrity, you are strengthened by your experiences; when you choose to act out of ego, fear, anger, retaliation or hate, you are hardened by your life experiences.' Lightarted Sue

Do You Choose to Act with Integrity?

• Who are you? How do you choose to live your life? Would you say you act with integrity?
• How do others view you?  Would friends and family say you act with integrity?
• Are your internal beliefs in sync with your actions? How do you feel when you act out of integrity?
• Twenty years from now, will others say you lived with integrity--and will you feel good about your actions today?

Short Term Unease Can Lead to a Life of Feeling Good


I don't know about you, but when I have to speak up about something I know another person isn't going to like I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't like conflict and I don't like hurting (or being hurt by) others so initially I'm paralyzed--unable to act--while I ponder if and how I want to open my mouth. Even after I speak up--no matter how carefully I've crafted what I had to say--I still feel uneasy.

But is my dis-ease around speaking my truth a bad thing? I don't think so. For me it is the short-term consequence to choosing to act with integrity. And acting with integrity is what makes me feel good overall about my life.

Small Daily Decisions over a Lifetime Determine  Life Satisfaction  

You are the only one who sees behind your eyes and deep into your heart. Only you know whether you act with integrity. Lightarted Sue

Life is full of intrigue and drama--especially in love and work. Every day we make small decisions about getting in, staying in, or getting out of relationships. Our choices ultimately determine the course of our life and how satisfied we are.

The one constant throughout your life is you--you are the only one who travels in your innermost circle 24/7. You are the only one who sees behind your eyes and deep into your heart. Only you know whether you act with integrity.

Integrity: How do You Experience Yours?

While choosing to act with integrity may feel scary or uncomfortable when you're in the midst of turmoil, after the emotional fog lifts you can see this is what strengthens you for life ahead.

Acting with integrity is what gives you the strength to be brave enough to speak up the next time in such a way as to achieve the best outcomes--despite the initial dis-ease.

Make a conscious decision to be strengthened, not hardened by your life experiences.

Putting Your Integrity to the Test

• What difficult decisions do you face in your daily life? 

• In the last three days--what decisions did you face about how to conduct yourself? Would you say you acted with integrity? If not, why not? What could you do differently to improve?

Choose Your Words to Live By

"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not." Oprah Winfrey

"The integrity of men is to be measured by their conduct, not by their words." Junius

"Integrity means that you are the same in public as you are in private." Joyce Meyer

"You are in integrity when the life you are living on the outside matches who you are on the inside." Alan Cohen

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." Alan K. Simpson

"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." Samuel Johnson

"Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another." Charles Caleb Colton

"Calamity is the test of integrity." Samuel Richardson

"Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise, and trading on your integrity and not having dignity in life. That's really where failure comes." Tom Cochrane

"Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect." Thomas S. Monson

"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people." Dennis Prager

"Once you get rid of integrity the rest is a piece of cake." Larry Hagman

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

The Workplace Bully's Game: How to Stop Playing

Conscience is the window of our spirit, evil is the curtain. Doug Horton

Putting Your Finger on the Unspoken Problem

The other night I had the most enlightening dream. A nice looking man exhibited bad behavior in plain view against my person. This man calmly walked out on 'the playing field', grabbed me, held me down and put his hand on my breast in plain view of all. His sole purpose was to do this publicly and get away with it while the people in the bleachers looking on did and said nothing. It was an unconscionable act--perpetrated by a man with no feeling about his actions whose only intent was to control me and show his domination.

....For him the thrill was knowing he could openly do this in plain sight and get away with it.

Occasionally I come across people in the workplace I'm hard pressed to understand how and why they do unconscionable things. They don't seem to feel bad about their actions--so I begin to look for the logical, rational reason behind their actions. And that is my downfall--for as Martha Stout, author of 'The Sociopath Next Door' says unlike most of us led by our conscience there are people living and working among us who literally have no conscience.

According to Martha Stout, PhD, author of 'The Sociopath Next Door' :

'1 in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty.'

I don't know that I've ever really contemplated the word UNCONSCIONABLE before now--yet I know I've witnessed unconscionable behavior and my dream captured the essence of the experience and fully expressed the game of the unconscionable bully.

THE WORKPLACE BULLY'S GAME

Controlling others and winning 

The ultimate thrill is domination over other people.

It's really hard to grasp the thought that another human being actually lives life without a conscience resulting in no feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse for what others would consider bad behavior and actions against other people.

Yet when you understand  'unconscionable people' exist it can explain how bad behavior can exist publicly un-protested--without a reasonable, rational explanation that makes sense to those of us with a conscience. It is simply unthinkable that people would act in unthinkable ways to purposefully destroy or denigrate others so we give them the benefit of the doubt.

Unconscionable Bullies: How To Recognize Them 

UNCONSCIONABLE  When I looked up the definition of unconscionable there it was: not guided or controlled by conscience; unscrupulous;  excessive, unreasonable—as in shockingly unfair or unjust practices; extremely bad, unfair, or wrong behavior.

Of course I just thought that meant a person had a momentary lapse of conscience rather than no conscience at all. Boy was I wrong.

On the surface, most people without conscience--or 'remorseless' bullies--look like the rest of us. They live and work among us and can appear quite ordinary--until we get caught up and targeted in their game.

It's easy for us to assume they're 'just like us', never realizing they have no conscience to guide them. They play by different rules and different games. They have no problem lying straight to your face and in front of other people, and it can be extremely difficult to hold them accountable. They are remorseless.

Harvard psychologist, Martha Stout, says you can recognize the 'remorseless' by one of their chief characteristics--'a kind of glow of charisma' that makes the sociopath more charming or interesting than other people around them.

They are more spontaneous, intense and perhaps sexier than everyone else making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally sociopaths are different because they can not love.

These charismatic bullies learn to show sham emotions from an early age, but underneath they are indifferent to your suffering and demise. They live to dominate you and to win over you.

Charismatic bullies are the every day, common variety sociopaths who are unscrupulous, unprincipled, and unconscionable liars.

Why Do They Target You?

If you are a person these bullies tend to target for their search and destroy missions, consider that a good mark on your character. What these sociopaths envy they seek to destroy.

According to Stout, there is usually something in your strong character structure that makes you a target for the bully's take down.

The remorseless bully can walk into a room, meet you for the first time, and immediately identify you as the one to target. The stronger or more powerful you are, or the more you are loved and respected by others the better target you make.

Make no mistake, they are intentionally trying to harm you and your ability to do your work. Theirs is a game of 'take down'  pure and simple--'a gratuitous sabotage or undermining of your work performance'.

Workplace Bullies Relentlessly Pick Away at Your Strengths

The workplace bullies are relentless at picking away at the very thing you are really good at and often use their seemingly charismatic ways to subtly and systematically turn others against you and your talents, abilities or strengths.

Are you a highly motivated, creative person? Bingo! The charismatic bully will systematically use his charm to turn other's perception of you into that of an unmotivated, stuck-in-your-ways person who needs to be bypassed to get anything done.

Are you a well loved and respected leader among your colleagues? The charismatic bully will sow the seeds of discontent among the group and work to cut off and limit your interactions with others.

It's nearly impossible to negotiate with narcissistic bullies. 'They're right and they haven't done anything wrong.' You are simply an impediment who needs to be pushed aside or run over.

Why Workplace Bullies Get Away with Bad Behavior

Unfortunately its difficult to get help dealing with workplace bullies and you're on your own to decide to stay or leave the situation.

Colleagues may fear getting splattered by the negativity, or fear upsetting the bullies so they retreat and fail to speak up. Still others are seduced by the charm and attention of the charismatic bully and simply look the other way.

Leaders of the organization may be focused on the high profile position the Bully often holds and be resistant to confronting her. Sometimes it is the leader in the organization that is the problem.

As the chart shows below, the most common employer response to abusive bully behavior at work is to deny, defend or discount it.

Until colleagues and leaders in an organization can openly share and talk about the nature of the bully's public actions he will get away with bad behavior every time.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke

How to Stop Playing the Bully's Game

How do good people fight unconscionable bullies? 

You can only do it by grouping together to shine a light on their dark, destructive behavior.

You can not win by going into direct combat with these sociopaths. You can't win because this IS their game. If you confront the bully, be assertive, not aggressive. Talk facts, not feelings. And if you're a bystander, step in.

You must state the obvious IN PUBLIC--and not be bullied into keeping silent.

Once you openly acknowledge and name what's going on, you must continue to talk openly, keeping no secrets for the bully. Be willing to share information freely with others.

What is an organization's role in fighting workplace bullying?

The organization must take an active role in putting a stop to workplace bullying. If those in authority or a position of influence do nothing, not only is the individual person affected, but the whole of the organization will be harmed by the divisive, destructive behavior.

If the leadership does not directly stop the bullying behavior, morale goes down and turnover increases as good people leave the organization.

How to step out of the workplace bully's game if the organization does not support you...

If you do not have the direct, complicit on-going support of the organization, get out of the situation. Life is too short to stay in the bully's game.

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

Life's Too Mysterious, Don't Take it Serious

Thank you Mary Englebreit and George Gershwin--and Lee Bryant

How Do You Lift Your Spirits?

• What do you see when you look out into the world?

• What are you always listening for?

• Do you seek positive or negative messages?

• Does what you listen or look for open up or close down your world? Do you see the world as a good or bad place?

Me? I am a person who surrounds herself with uplifting messages and positive, fun-loving people--and this serves me well.

When I look out into the world I'm always scanning for funny or positive messages, and inspiring and uplifting people--and despite experiencing life difficulties along the way,  I'm constantly brought back to a positive place by the support and good-humor of the people around me and the lightarted perspective they bring with them.

I had the good fortune to spend the weekend with my Sister-in-law, Lee, driving together to my nephew's wedding. Somewhere along the journey she found my cloth grocery bag in my car with the 'Life's too mysterious, don't take it serious' art by  Mary Englebreit, snapped a photo of it and sent it back to me. When I saw the photo I smiled and recalled what a great 5 hours I spent in non-stop conversation with Lee.

After sitting with the message and pondering how it came back to me as a shared experience with Lee, I felt compelled to share the photo of my years-long traveling companion with you--my uplifting grocery bag--and to put the positive message back out into the world.

Positive, uplifting people and positive, uplifting messages are plentiful in the world. Chose to look for and listen for them.  Choose to surround yourself with people and messages that make your world a better place.

• Who has made your life better this week?
• Who has supported or uplifted your spirits this week?

Take a moment to thank them--or better yet--find a way to give the support and uplift back to them!

What is the origin of 'life's too mysterious, don't take it serious'?

I have always loved this saying but never thought about the origin. I was surprised to discover that it originates with composer, George Gershwin from the lyrics of 'Life is just a bowl of Cherries'. I did not know that!

Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don't take it serious; life's so mysterious. You work, you save, you worry so, But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go. So keep repeating it's the berries, The strongest oak must fall, The sweet things in life, to you were just loaned So how can you lose what you've never owned? Life is just a bowl of cherries, So live and laugh at it all.

What does it mean? "Like a bowl full of cherries, Life is a limited bowl of moments. You might as well enjoy as many as you can because the value of each is as great as the value of any moment. You can spend it serious and worrying, or realize and savor the sweetness of each moment and live life to its fullest." Kirsch

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.