Betrayed and Bitter? Forgive and Let Go

'Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.'  Robert Brault

What Hurts?

• Who or what has hurt or betrayed you?
• What are you bitter about?
• Where in your heart of hearts do you feel life has done you wrong?

We All Deal with the Downside of Life 

Sometimes life lets you down--that job you wanted that slipped through your fingers; that love interest who did you wrong; that organization that treated you poorly; that economy that failed you; or that friend who slighted you without apology.

Sure, things happen in life leaving you feeling betrayed and bitter. But don't let it keep you stuck--acknowledge and name what you're feeling--and sit in your sorrow for a while. When you're ready to brush yourself off and get back on top of the world, let it go and move on. Why? Because you're worth it.

You're Made of Strong Stuff 

Face it--you're made of strong stuff and you want to enjoy a fully-engaged life. You have what it takes to move through whatever challenge life presents you--and you're worthy of enjoying a rich, meaningful life.

Think about it--how is that hurt and bitterness you're harboring inside getting in the way of you engaging in or enjoying your life? What good things could you see in your life if you let these soul-killing feelings go?

• Have you failed to apply for a job because you're bitter about the last job interview?
• Did you fail to ask that new person out because the last one hurt you?
•  Have you isolated yourself because you are hurt or bitter about how someone treated you? Have you refused invitations to get together with friends because you're home licking your wounds?
• Is that bitterness about making less than you deserve getting in the way of you appreciating the good things in the job or zapping your energy to look for a better paying job?

Cleanse Yourself of  Hurt and Bitterness

When you consciously cleanse hard feelings out of your soul you make room for more uplifting and positive experiences to show up. 

You will see opportunities you were blind to when you stop wasting your energy nursing the hurt and bitterness. Stop stuffing and harboring your bitter feelings; cleanse them and move on.

'People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.'  Eleanor Roosevelt

Care Enough about Yourself to Forgive and Release Hard Feelings

Do you care enough about yourself to forgive and let go of the bitterness? Forgiving and letting go of the bitterness isn't about the other person or organization--it is about freeing yourself to take back your own power and sense of control.

The hardness and bitterness you hold on to takes away your power; forgiveness and letting the bitterness go gives you back your power. So stand tall, stay calm, and remember you have the power to move your life forward.

Affirm your desire to cleanse yourself of hurt and bitterness--and take a step toward doing something that fills you with feelings of self-worth, fulfillment, and connection to life and others. You are worth it. Do it now.

  

'Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning.' Robert Brault

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

How Do I Know if He's the One? 3 Secrets to a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship

 'A loving heart is the truest wisdom' Charles Dickens

What is the Secret to Enjoying a Long-lasting Relationship?

• Are you in a relationship with it's ups and downs? Do you wonder if you have what it takes to make your relationship last?
• How do you know if it's worth investing time in a new relationship or mending a long-standing one?
• After facing difficult times in the relationship, how do you even know if you want to continue in the relationship?

What a Happy Relationship isn't...Conflict-free

'Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open'.

George Bernard Shaw

If you think a conflict-free relationship is the key to a long-lasting happy partnership you're barking up the wrong tree. 

All happily married couples have a good amount of 'bark' in their relationship. It's what puts the heat, or bite, into the relationship.  Look at Lucy and Ricardo (I Love Lucy); Alice and Ralph Kramden (Honeymooners); and Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street). We love watching these comedic couples interact because we can relate to their conflicts and differences.

Truth is we all have negative thoughts and feelings about our partners. It's natural. Over time our differences arise and the rose-colored glasses come off letting those petty annoyances surface. But there is something about happy, long-lasting relationships that makes them withstand the test of time and trouble.

Secret #1: Happily Married Couples Keep the Negative from Overwhelming the Positive

'The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.'  George Bernard Shaw

According to Dr. John M Gottman, author of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and director of the Gottman Institute, what can make a marriage or partnership work is surprisingly simple.

'In their day-to-day lives, happily married couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.'

People in healthy, long-lasting relationships deal with the same garden variety issues that people who break up do. The difference is those in healthy lasting relationships find a way to maintain an overall positive feeling to their relationships despite the negative thoughts and feelings that naturally arise over time.

This isn't to say you should always work through conflict and stay together at all costs. It provides a measuring stick for you to consider. 

How do you create a dynamic in your relationship to allow the positive to over-ride the negative? 

If only one of you works to keep your negative thoughts and feelings about the other from overwhelming your positive ones it won't work--'it takes two to tango'--and 'you can't push a river uphill'. 

Don't be afraid of conflict and run away at the first sign of it--look for ways to put conflict in perspective. Instead of viewing a 'fight' as an ending, use it to create a new beginning to better communication. 

Secret #2: Turn Passion into Compassion   

If we are to live with the differences and annoyances found in our partners we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

In a happy union, love does make the world go round, but what love looks like over time changes. Family counselor, Gary Strait, noted that while relationships may initially be based on passion, if we are to continue to live with the differences and annoyances found in each other we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

The longer we're in relationship together, the more acceptance, forgiveness, understanding--and perhaps a sense of humor about each other's foibles--needs to play a central role in how we interact with ourselves as well as each other.  

Secret #3: Ask Yourself--Do I Want it to Work?

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage. George Bernard Shaw

Before you tie the knot, and whenever you deal with upsets in the relationship along the way there is one question you can pose to yourself that cuts through all the layers between you and knowing what to do--'Do I want it to work?' 

You'll know the answer immediately. If you want the relationship to work out you must do whatever is needed to make it work. Your pride, anxiety, anger, or hurt feelings getting in the way will fall by the wayside once you know you want the relationship to work. It will bring you to the negotiation table faster.

When you are in the throes of a new relationship--trust your immediate gut response to the question 'do I want it to work'. Stop overwhelming yourself with expectations and responsibilities for the relationship ('I think she's more into the relationship long term than I am'). You are simply trying to get clear about your current desires and feelings--should I stay or go?

If big red flags come up--don't swish them away--pay attention to what your street-savvy reptilian brain is telling you. Get out and move on! The ultimate secret to maintaining a happy, long-lasting relationship is to choose wisely upfront. It's not good enough to say 'I love him.' You can love someone who isn't good for you.

Are you in or beginning a relationship? Do you want it to work? 

If your answer is NO--get out and move on.

If you want it to work, strive to create more fun and meaningful times with one another. Find a way to enjoy and make a constructive use of your differences. Move into that place of allowing the good times to roll....

'To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.' Mark Twain

A Tribute to 35 Years of Making it Work 

In honor of the love of my life, Mark Gibbons, who 35 years ago was brave enough to ask the question, 'Do I want it to work?' I made an excellent choice for a life partner. We're still working it!

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

Living with Integrity Results in Higher Self Esteem

'When you choose to act with integrity, you are strengthened by your experiences; when you choose to act out of ego, fear, anger, retaliation or hate, you are hardened by your life experiences.' Lightarted Sue

Do You Choose to Act with Integrity?

• Who are you? How do you choose to live your life? Would you say you act with integrity?
• How do others view you?  Would friends and family say you act with integrity?
• Are your internal beliefs in sync with your actions? How do you feel when you act out of integrity?
• Twenty years from now, will others say you lived with integrity--and will you feel good about your actions today?

Short Term Unease Can Lead to a Life of Feeling Good


I don't know about you, but when I have to speak up about something I know another person isn't going to like I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't like conflict and I don't like hurting (or being hurt by) others so initially I'm paralyzed--unable to act--while I ponder if and how I want to open my mouth. Even after I speak up--no matter how carefully I've crafted what I had to say--I still feel uneasy.

But is my dis-ease around speaking my truth a bad thing? I don't think so. For me it is the short-term consequence to choosing to act with integrity. And acting with integrity is what makes me feel good overall about my life.

Small Daily Decisions over a Lifetime Determine  Life Satisfaction  

You are the only one who sees behind your eyes and deep into your heart. Only you know whether you act with integrity. Lightarted Sue

Life is full of intrigue and drama--especially in love and work. Every day we make small decisions about getting in, staying in, or getting out of relationships. Our choices ultimately determine the course of our life and how satisfied we are.

The one constant throughout your life is you--you are the only one who travels in your innermost circle 24/7. You are the only one who sees behind your eyes and deep into your heart. Only you know whether you act with integrity.

Integrity: How do You Experience Yours?

While choosing to act with integrity may feel scary or uncomfortable when you're in the midst of turmoil, after the emotional fog lifts you can see this is what strengthens you for life ahead.

Acting with integrity is what gives you the strength to be brave enough to speak up the next time in such a way as to achieve the best outcomes--despite the initial dis-ease.

Make a conscious decision to be strengthened, not hardened by your life experiences.

Putting Your Integrity to the Test

• What difficult decisions do you face in your daily life? 

• In the last three days--what decisions did you face about how to conduct yourself? Would you say you acted with integrity? If not, why not? What could you do differently to improve?

Choose Your Words to Live By

"Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not." Oprah Winfrey

"The integrity of men is to be measured by their conduct, not by their words." Junius

"Integrity means that you are the same in public as you are in private." Joyce Meyer

"You are in integrity when the life you are living on the outside matches who you are on the inside." Alan Cohen

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." Alan K. Simpson

"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." Samuel Johnson

"Nothing more completely baffles one who is full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another." Charles Caleb Colton

"Calamity is the test of integrity." Samuel Richardson

"Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise, and trading on your integrity and not having dignity in life. That's really where failure comes." Tom Cochrane

"Perhaps the surest test of an individual's integrity is his refusal to do or say anything that would damage his self-respect." Thomas S. Monson

"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people." Dennis Prager

"Once you get rid of integrity the rest is a piece of cake." Larry Hagman

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

The Workplace Bully's Game: How to Stop Playing

Conscience is the window of our spirit, evil is the curtain. Doug Horton

Putting Your Finger on the Unspoken Problem

The other night I had the most enlightening dream. A nice looking man exhibited bad behavior in plain view against my person. This man calmly walked out on 'the playing field', grabbed me, held me down and put his hand on my breast in plain view of all. His sole purpose was to do this publicly and get away with it while the people in the bleachers looking on did and said nothing. It was an unconscionable act--perpetrated by a man with no feeling about his actions whose only intent was to control me and show his domination.

....For him the thrill was knowing he could openly do this in plain sight and get away with it.

Occasionally I come across people in the workplace I'm hard pressed to understand how and why they do unconscionable things. They don't seem to feel bad about their actions--so I begin to look for the logical, rational reason behind their actions. And that is my downfall--for as Martha Stout, author of 'The Sociopath Next Door' says unlike most of us led by our conscience there are people living and working among us who literally have no conscience.

According to Martha Stout, PhD, author of 'The Sociopath Next Door' :

'1 in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty.'

I don't know that I've ever really contemplated the word UNCONSCIONABLE before now--yet I know I've witnessed unconscionable behavior and my dream captured the essence of the experience and fully expressed the game of the unconscionable bully.

THE WORKPLACE BULLY'S GAME

Controlling others and winning 

The ultimate thrill is domination over other people.

It's really hard to grasp the thought that another human being actually lives life without a conscience resulting in no feelings of guilt, shame, or remorse for what others would consider bad behavior and actions against other people.

Yet when you understand  'unconscionable people' exist it can explain how bad behavior can exist publicly un-protested--without a reasonable, rational explanation that makes sense to those of us with a conscience. It is simply unthinkable that people would act in unthinkable ways to purposefully destroy or denigrate others so we give them the benefit of the doubt.

Unconscionable Bullies: How To Recognize Them 

UNCONSCIONABLE  When I looked up the definition of unconscionable there it was: not guided or controlled by conscience; unscrupulous;  excessive, unreasonable—as in shockingly unfair or unjust practices; extremely bad, unfair, or wrong behavior.

Of course I just thought that meant a person had a momentary lapse of conscience rather than no conscience at all. Boy was I wrong.

On the surface, most people without conscience--or 'remorseless' bullies--look like the rest of us. They live and work among us and can appear quite ordinary--until we get caught up and targeted in their game.

It's easy for us to assume they're 'just like us', never realizing they have no conscience to guide them. They play by different rules and different games. They have no problem lying straight to your face and in front of other people, and it can be extremely difficult to hold them accountable. They are remorseless.

Harvard psychologist, Martha Stout, says you can recognize the 'remorseless' by one of their chief characteristics--'a kind of glow of charisma' that makes the sociopath more charming or interesting than other people around them.

They are more spontaneous, intense and perhaps sexier than everyone else making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally sociopaths are different because they can not love.

These charismatic bullies learn to show sham emotions from an early age, but underneath they are indifferent to your suffering and demise. They live to dominate you and to win over you.

Charismatic bullies are the every day, common variety sociopaths who are unscrupulous, unprincipled, and unconscionable liars.

Why Do They Target You?

If you are a person these bullies tend to target for their search and destroy missions, consider that a good mark on your character. What these sociopaths envy they seek to destroy.

According to Stout, there is usually something in your strong character structure that makes you a target for the bully's take down.

The remorseless bully can walk into a room, meet you for the first time, and immediately identify you as the one to target. The stronger or more powerful you are, or the more you are loved and respected by others the better target you make.

Make no mistake, they are intentionally trying to harm you and your ability to do your work. Theirs is a game of 'take down'  pure and simple--'a gratuitous sabotage or undermining of your work performance'.

Workplace Bullies Relentlessly Pick Away at Your Strengths

The workplace bullies are relentless at picking away at the very thing you are really good at and often use their seemingly charismatic ways to subtly and systematically turn others against you and your talents, abilities or strengths.

Are you a highly motivated, creative person? Bingo! The charismatic bully will systematically use his charm to turn other's perception of you into that of an unmotivated, stuck-in-your-ways person who needs to be bypassed to get anything done.

Are you a well loved and respected leader among your colleagues? The charismatic bully will sow the seeds of discontent among the group and work to cut off and limit your interactions with others.

It's nearly impossible to negotiate with narcissistic bullies. 'They're right and they haven't done anything wrong.' You are simply an impediment who needs to be pushed aside or run over.

Why Workplace Bullies Get Away with Bad Behavior

Unfortunately its difficult to get help dealing with workplace bullies and you're on your own to decide to stay or leave the situation.

Colleagues may fear getting splattered by the negativity, or fear upsetting the bullies so they retreat and fail to speak up. Still others are seduced by the charm and attention of the charismatic bully and simply look the other way.

Leaders of the organization may be focused on the high profile position the Bully often holds and be resistant to confronting her. Sometimes it is the leader in the organization that is the problem.

As the chart shows below, the most common employer response to abusive bully behavior at work is to deny, defend or discount it.

Until colleagues and leaders in an organization can openly share and talk about the nature of the bully's public actions he will get away with bad behavior every time.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke

How to Stop Playing the Bully's Game

How do good people fight unconscionable bullies? 

You can only do it by grouping together to shine a light on their dark, destructive behavior.

You can not win by going into direct combat with these sociopaths. You can't win because this IS their game. If you confront the bully, be assertive, not aggressive. Talk facts, not feelings. And if you're a bystander, step in.

You must state the obvious IN PUBLIC--and not be bullied into keeping silent.

Once you openly acknowledge and name what's going on, you must continue to talk openly, keeping no secrets for the bully. Be willing to share information freely with others.

What is an organization's role in fighting workplace bullying?

The organization must take an active role in putting a stop to workplace bullying. If those in authority or a position of influence do nothing, not only is the individual person affected, but the whole of the organization will be harmed by the divisive, destructive behavior.

If the leadership does not directly stop the bullying behavior, morale goes down and turnover increases as good people leave the organization.

How to step out of the workplace bully's game if the organization does not support you...

If you do not have the direct, complicit on-going support of the organization, get out of the situation. Life is too short to stay in the bully's game.

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


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Life's Too Mysterious, Don't Take it Serious

Thank you Mary Englebreit and George Gershwin--and Lee Bryant

How Do You Lift Your Spirits?

• What do you see when you look out into the world?

• What are you always listening for?

• Do you seek positive or negative messages?

• Does what you listen or look for open up or close down your world? Do you see the world as a good or bad place?

Me? I am a person who surrounds herself with uplifting messages and positive, fun-loving people--and this serves me well.

When I look out into the world I'm always scanning for funny or positive messages, and inspiring and uplifting people--and despite experiencing life difficulties along the way,  I'm constantly brought back to a positive place by the support and good-humor of the people around me and the lightarted perspective they bring with them.

I had the good fortune to spend the weekend with my Sister-in-law, Lee, driving together to my nephew's wedding. Somewhere along the journey she found my cloth grocery bag in my car with the 'Life's too mysterious, don't take it serious' art by  Mary Englebreit, snapped a photo of it and sent it back to me. When I saw the photo I smiled and recalled what a great 5 hours I spent in non-stop conversation with Lee.

After sitting with the message and pondering how it came back to me as a shared experience with Lee, I felt compelled to share the photo of my years-long traveling companion with you--my uplifting grocery bag--and to put the positive message back out into the world.

Positive, uplifting people and positive, uplifting messages are plentiful in the world. Chose to look for and listen for them.  Choose to surround yourself with people and messages that make your world a better place.

• Who has made your life better this week?
• Who has supported or uplifted your spirits this week?

Take a moment to thank them--or better yet--find a way to give the support and uplift back to them!

What is the origin of 'life's too mysterious, don't take it serious'?

I have always loved this saying but never thought about the origin. I was surprised to discover that it originates with composer, George Gershwin from the lyrics of 'Life is just a bowl of Cherries'. I did not know that!

Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don't take it serious; life's so mysterious. You work, you save, you worry so, But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go. So keep repeating it's the berries, The strongest oak must fall, The sweet things in life, to you were just loaned So how can you lose what you've never owned? Life is just a bowl of cherries, So live and laugh at it all.

What does it mean? "Like a bowl full of cherries, Life is a limited bowl of moments. You might as well enjoy as many as you can because the value of each is as great as the value of any moment. You can spend it serious and worrying, or realize and savor the sweetness of each moment and live life to its fullest." Kirsch

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

Don't Let Anger Lead You

What Gets Your Goat?

What is it for you?

• What drives you to the breaking point--leaving you feeling crazy, angry and frustrated?
• What tips you over the top leaving you feeling mad at the whole world without knowing why?
• What turns you from being a fully functioning adult into a seemingly helpless and frustrated child inside?

E-motion--Don't Leave Home without it

I hate to feel stuck or controlled--it makes me angry and frustrated. I am driven by the desire to move freely in my daily life, so seeking a way to quickly break free from encumbrances became important to me at a young age. Years ago I embraced a definition of emotion that allows me to view all emotion in a positive light and to use it in a more fluid, productive manner.

Instead of viewing emotion as good or bad, happy or sad--I've come to understand E-motion as energy in motion. Our e-motions give us the energy to act, the drive to 'right wrongs', and the desire to pursue our dreams.

Personal Values Define Our Internal 'Lines in the Sand'

The goal of anger management isn't to become a placid, 'Stepford Wife' devoid of emotion--especially anger. It's to learn how to use the energy created by e-motion to create positive outcomes.

Chances are the situations or people making you exceptionally angry violate one or more of your personal values. Our personal values define our invisible boundaries--our lines in the sand. When someone crosses one of those lines we feel violated, resulting in a wall of anger and frustration. And anger left unattended can quickly turn inward and lead to depression.

I get angry or frustrated at least once a day. But I've learned to use my anger--or energy-in-motion-- to help me identify what personal values have been violated. Being able to name the invisible boundaries crossed puts me back in control and provides the momentum for taking positive action.

By using my anger to help me identify what I value, I now have choices for taking action based on what I value rather than on what makes me angry.

Use Your Anger to Identify what You Value

Don't just sit in your anger, use the energy to identify what your personal values are and take positive action based on them.

Situational depression occurs when you feel hopeless or helpless in response to a situation that knocks the wind out of you. To avoid getting depressed in response to tough situations, get in the habit of always following up by taking action that has the potential of producing positive outcomes.

What to Do

Think of a situation or person that upset you in the last week.

• What happened?
• List what made you angry or frustrated in the situation.
• List things you value that may have been violated in the situation.
• When you're ready: Chose a positive response based on your personal values.
• Take positive action--even if you don't feel like it.

Here are some of the things I've learned about myself by going through this process of converting anger into better understanding my personal values and choosing to take action based on those values.

What makes me Angry?

• Injustice
• Bullies
• Narcissists
• Untested Assumptions
• Overly Critical Judgments
• Controlling People
• Uncaring People
• Self-righteous People
• Lack of Opportunity for People
• Being Held Back

What Do I Value?

• Opportunity to Achieve
• Creativity
• 'Flow' Experiences
• Humane Treatment of People
• Humane Treatment of Animals
• Productive Work
• Harmony
• Freedom
• Caring
• Teamwork
• Enthusiasm
• Joyful Experiences
• Fun
• Achieving Personal Dreams
• Helping Others Achieve their Dreams
• Openness
• Truth
• Trust and Connection

How I want to act based on Anger

• Lash out at offender.
• Give them a dose of their own medicine.
• Cut offender off.
• Talk poorly about offender.
• Turn others against offender.
• Wish bad things on the offender.

How I choose to act based on my Values to Create a Better Outcome

• Do nothing. Let my anger cool.
• When I'm ready, Look for ways to open up communication and develop trust.
• When I'm ready: Talk to, not about the person, to clarify facts and understanding.
• Seek to create opportunities to work with others joyfully and enthusiastically.
• Seek more positive environments.
• Reach out to others to build trust and connection.

Don't let yourself be led by your anger. Choosing your actions based on your values puts you in the driver seat. Put your e-motions to work for you--giving you the energy to act, the drive to 'right wrongs', and the desire to pursue your dreams. You're worth it.

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.