Lightarted Living

Monday, October 2, 2023

Not Ready to Play Nice? Walk Away

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm Not Ready to be Nice!

When I was younger I was responsible for getting my younger sister to do the dishes on the nights it was her turn. One night as we were arguing about her failure to clean the kitchen my father had enough of listening to us argue.

"Suz! Nanc! Go outside and don't come in until you're ready to be nice!"

We both did as we were told and went out on the back patio to cool off. After a few minutes my sister simply walked back into the house, but not me. I just sat out there and stewed.

Finally after so much time passed my father stuck his head out the door and said, " Suz, come on in."

But indignant that I was yelled at for just trying to get my sister to do her job, I was still too mad to come in and replied, "No! I'm not ready to be nice!"

Still Sitting on the Back Patio

That was one of those defining life moments for me. Over the past 60 years I've found myself 'sitting on the back patio' when someone hurts my feelings or inappropriately chastises me. There I am--totally unwilling to come in out of the cold to 'make nice'.

It's just how it is--there's a distinct period of time after a perceived injustice when I'm just not ready to deal. If I was to face the conflict before I was ready, it would only produce a poor outcome so I retreat into myself until I'm ready to come out.

A wise man once said nothing.

Maybe Good Communication Begins with Avoidance

It's a no-brainer: If you're going to resolve conflict with someone you must face the issue and talk directly to the other person. But sometimes you're just not ready.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, we all have those private moments of feeling like a chastised child when someone gets mad at us or 'does-us-wrong'--especially if we're working hard to do good or 'get it right'. The unfairness of it all throws us into our own private childish funk.

Think about it: What was your private reaction to a recent unfair situation or perceived injustice? What conversation went on in your head? What did you want to say to that person but didn't? How did you blow off your anger? What's your 'sitting on the back porch unwilling to come in from the cold' experience?

Sure, as we mature we learn the art of waiting before we react when we're upset. But that doesn't stop the immediate feelings of being a reprimanded or discounted child. So maybe our path to good communication begins with avoidance. Avoiding a confrontation allows us to work through the child-like feelings before proceeding to facing the difficult or crucial conversation so we are better equipped to handle it well.

Self-Calming Activities Restore Your Mature Self

We all need time to let the heat of the moment subside. Stepping away from your hurt or anger to engage in self-calming activities is key to restoring good relationships and your mature self. Take a walk, talk to a friend, take a nap, play with your dog or participate in any pleasant activity that serves as a distraction from dealing with the issue.

The more time you put between when you first get upset and when you choose to talk with the other person, the more time you have to allow calm thinking and options to appear.

Go Ahead--Sit on the Back Patio Until You're Ready

There's nothing wrong with taking your time sitting in your feelings. Don't rush to deal with an issue before you're ready. Sit out in the cold for as long as you need to. Then, when you're ready, find a way to deal with the other person so your relationship is restored.

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."George Bernard Shaw

Monday, September 25, 2023

Lightarted Living: Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams

Lightarted Living: Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams:

Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams

Discover Your Clear Moments of Choice

'Honestly, the older I get, the more my 'stuckness' sticks to me. In the past, I marched on oblivious to direction or obstacles. Lately, I'm permanently poised mid-step. I need a kick in the behind!' TMR

What's happening in your life right now? Has something happened that has your attention or are you reacting to something that has recently happened? Perhaps like my friend, TMR, a few years back, you find yourself stuck--'permanently poised mid-step'.

When life piles up, its easy to find yourself stuck--forever bouncing between challenging experiences and reacting to them. If you fail to sit quietly and take a moment in response to confidence-lowering experiences you'll miss your clear moment of choice allowing you to go confidently in the direction of your dreams.

Where is this so-called moment of choice? It's in the in-between. If you sit quietly, you'll discover a space of time exists between when something happens in your life and when you respond or react.

Something Happens---💓SPACE OF TIME💓--Your Response

It is within that space you have choices. This is where your window of opportunity lies, and that moment in time when you're able to chose your attitude and actions going forward.

To discover your moments of choice and confidence:

💓Calmly Practice the Pause💓

When Life is Tough, Slow Down

When something seemingly bad happens, or life just isn't going your way, it can send you into a tailspin of emotions that freezes you in fear and self-doubt, causing you to skip over that crucial moment in time where your ability to choose exists.

When life gets tough, the question you need to ask yourself is 'how soon can I move out of the fear that has me poised mid-step back into having faith in my abilities to go confidently in the direction of my dreams?'

It's only natural to respond to threatening situations with fear and self-consciousness. We all do.

The way to go confidently in the direction of your dreams despite experiencing hardships is for you to calmly and consciously 'practice the pause' in times of challenge. Only then will you open to that moment where you confidently retake the reins and decide on your next steps.

Sit in it!

Sometimes the world knocks you a blow. To function at your best, you need time to just sit in it after you've taken a hit to lick wounds, feel anger or sadness, and to acknowledge the injustice of it all. You need time to clear the cobwebs of fear from your mind so you can move on to creating a more productive and empowering perspective.

To go confidently in the direction of your dreams despite obstacles, practice stilling your mind.

'To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.' Lao Tzu

All Things Seemingly Good or Bad Work in Your Favor

There's no way around it: If you hold on to bad feelings after something happens, you are the only one who is affected by those bad thoughts and feelings. Why allow those people or negative experiences to continue to control your life and emotional well-being after they've disappeared from your life?

Put yourself in the driver seat instead. Sit in your emotions without taking action until you can still your mind. Then calmly allow your mind to move toward the mantra 'all things seemingly good or bad work in my favor'. The more you recite this to yourself and others, the sooner that space of time where you have choices will open up to your full view.

Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, knowing all things seemingly good or bad work in your favor. Ignite the circuits of your highest potential. Live the life you imagined.