But Do They Like Me?
"Wherever you are, be there. Take up space."
Maya Stein
The Likeability Bias
While chatting with a young friend about how she was fitting into her new job, she confided that she thought a few of the older women working in the company didn't particularly like her. As an up and coming successful woman who was hired into a higher level position she was suspect to them. And although she was doing her best to fit in, they just seemed resistant to her advances. My advice? Let it go. Either it will resolve or it won't.
What my young friend's facing is a well-known likeability bias against successful women in the workplace--a bias that is especially problematic in male-dominated environments.
If you're perceived to be successful, it can be an uphill battle to change some people's minds about you, and you just might have to toughen up and get used to some people not liking you.
But this doesn't mean you aren't likeable, or that you can't improve your standing or likeability in general. It just means there will always be some people who won't give up the bias against you, so don't work so hard to win them over. Just keep being professional and plugging along.
It's None of Your Business if They Like You
Sure, everyone wants to be a welcome part of the tribe, and everyone wants to belong. But frankly, it's none of your business if they like you or not.
When you make it your business, you just end up wasting your time turning yourself inside out trying to figure out how to please others instead of just being yourself, bringing your best, and getting on with the work at hand.
Likeable people don't spend time wondering if they're likeable. They don't work at it. That's part of their charm. In fact, if you're successfully likeable, those people who don't like you probably hold that against you too!
So instead of working at winning over the haters, focus on bringing your best self to the job and letting your natural likeability characteristics shine through. Control what you can control, and let go of what you can't control.
"Wherever you are, be there. Take up space."
Maya Stein
Be There
If you want to be liked, whether in the workplace or in your social circles, the best thing you can do is to 'Be There'. Instead of being in your head and worrying about how you're coming across to others, be present with others and be other-focused.
The key to being able to be present and other-focused is for you to be well rested and relaxed. That is what you can control. That is what can make a difference. Why? When you're at ease you are more likely to bring your non-judgmental and non-defensive self to the room.
People who are perceived as likeable are seen as warm, vulnerable, and curious about others. They bring their curiosity and sense of humor with them. Think how much easier it is to bring your curiosity and sense of humor when you are relaxed.
When you're present and other-focused, you'll lay the groundwork for making connections with others by asking them questions, asking follow up questions and listening intently to what they have to say. Not only does active listening make you more likeable to others, it makes you a better professional.
People tend to like others who are more similar to them. Try to make connections based on areas of similarities with others. Show curiosity about other's lives. When you discover a similarity, share your own perspective.
Vulnerabilities create connections--perfectionism does not. Let go of striving to present a perfect 'got it all together' picture of yourself. People don't like perfectionists, they respond to imperfections because it shows you're human--just like them.
This doesn't mean spilling the beans on your homelife in the workplace. It means being willing to be vulnerable in the right moments in little ways while still maintaining a professional demeanor.
"Wherever you are, be there. Take up space."
Maya Stein
Take up Space
When you stop fixating on what people think about you, and practice being present for others, you'll naturally create a sense of presence in the room. You'll take up space while creating an open and welcoming space for others where conversations and relationships can blossom.
"Wherever you are, be there. Take up space."
Maya Stein
To be successful in the workplace long term without worrying if people like you or not, focus on controlling what you can control and letting go of what you can't. Learn to toughen up. Strengthen your personal boundaries so you become immune to the haters.
As Maya Stein said, 'wherever you are, be there. Take up space." Never make yourself smaller. Stand Tall. Trust yourself. Take up space.
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