Shame Resilience: Overcoming Your Fear of Being Exposed

'Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and our clarity of purpose.'  Brene Brown

Deep Listening Reveals Hidden Shame in us All

The way most of us shun being vulnerable, you'd think there was something shameful about showing our soft underbelly or sharing our struggles. 

But if you're willing to sit quietly and listen deeply to others--without judgment and without interruption--you'll quickly learn you're not alone. When you truly listen with compassion, others will open up and share their pain and shame with you and you'll discover how much you have in common.

In the past month as I've listened to others share what has been going on in their lives 'shame' has arisen time and again as a deep-seated emotion hidden from view keeping people from fully-engaging in life and relationships. 

Just as I was contemplating doing a post on shame I received this email from a long time and far-away friend: 

'As you likely know, I suffer crippling performance anxiety. In reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly this morning, it became obvious that shame, vulnerability, guilt, feeling unloved, unworthy and not being included come from the same place. All this makes me afraid to spend extended time with all but a small number of people, invite folks to my house for lunch or dinner, take dancing lessons, go on dates without flagellating myself afterwards, remembering previous errors and repeating them in my mind, and so on -- I'm almost 65 and not living a genuine, engaged life, yet.

Oddly, taking risks and having positive outcomes has had little long lasting impact -- the pre and post process is still excruciating.

I think your hearts would help me develop shame resilience, as Brene Brown calls it. Do you have a series for this? If not, would you create one?

I'm including others in this email because I think it helps to expose shame and vulnerability to the air and not feel so alone in it.' SB

You're not Alone, SB!

What Makes You Feel Vulnerable and Exposed?

SB is not alone in her hidden shame--or in her desire to move beyond the 'secret' fear people may discover she's not good enough making her feel raw and exposed. So many things make us feel vulnerable and ashamed. What is it for you?

What makes you feel totally vulnerable and exposed?

✅Admitting you have a chronic disease or 'something wrong with' your body

✅Thinking you're not good enough exactly as you are

✅Getting laid off

✅Applying for a job

✅Asking for a date

✅Admitting you're unemployed or struggling in a new job

✅Feeling you're left behind 

✅Asking for help

✅Admitting you're lonely

✅Knowing you've been abused or neglected

✅Stating you love someone before you know how they feel about you

✅Thinking you need to lose weight or change your body shape

✅Putting yourself or your work 'out there' publicly

✅Stating what you want or who you are to the world

✅Admitting you feel shame

The thought of personally putting one of these things out in the world makes me squirm in discomfort. I like to appear worthy, strong and in control of my life at all times. The thought of coming clean about any of these gives me pause--yet what's so bad about admitting any of these things anyway?

What's hiding behind the closed door? Shameful thoughts--I'm not good enough; I'm not worthy; I'm imperfect; or there's something wrong with me.

The Unexpected Consequences of Bad Thoughts

What's startling is when you look behind our need to hide the last part of our tale you'll discover a sense of shame is driving the cover up. I know-- really embarrassing to admit. Kind of gives you the shame shudders to realize the thoughts behind the need to hide:  I'm not good enough; I'm not worthy; I'm imperfect; or there's something wrong with me. 

 

According to Brene Brown, author of  'Daring Greatly', 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and TED Talk, 'The Power of Vulnerability', shame is the fear of disconnection--we think there is something so shameful about us that if people really knew us they would reject us--so we keep our mouth shut and stay invisible.

The unexpected consequences of thinking this way is it keeps us from being seen, heard, and known by others. Through our secret negative thoughts we bring on the very thing we fear--a feeling of disconnection and distance from others.

 

The Inner Conflict--The Desire to be Seen vs. Invisible

I'm fascinated by a duality of thought I've witnessed in myself--and I suspect is present in you too. Although I live my life in a 'naturally authentic what you see is what you get' way, there is another hidden truth at work deep within me. As I show myself so completely in the world I am also acutely aware of how much remains hidden and unseen by others. I am a master at artfully keeping myself hidden in plain sight.

 

I once read that an artist is a person who has an overwhelming desire to be seen at the very same time she has an overwhelming desire not to be found. I don't think you need to be an artist to find this conflicting thought at work within yourself. 

Consider that moment you showed up for a job interview, first date, public speaking engagement, or first day on the job. What was your internal dialogue?  There's always that singular moment when we feel vulnerable and exposed---and that's the moment we want to be seen, heard and known and it's the very same moment we want to retreat, be invisible and keep quiet.


Crisis--Dangerous Opportunity

  

We all experience these private moments of trepidation at the very moment of exposure. Think of them as mini-crises. A crisis is merely a turning point--a moment in time when an important decision is made. The Chinese symbol for crisis is two pronged with the meaning dangerous opportunity.

Another unexpected consequence of your negative thoughts is when you acknowledge them as natural consequences of stepping into your life you give yourself choice and opportunity. It always feels dangerous to be seen, to be heard and to be known. It is also thrilling. 

To step into your life and achieve your heart's desire you must experience, then walk past, the fear of not being worthy or good enough. Choose to see this moment of fear as your 'dangerous opportunity' and consciously chose to step out of the danger into the opportunity.

 

Choose to Be Seen, Choose to Connect

💙Practice finding your courage in your moments of crises and decide to show yourself instead of hiding. The more consciously you practice this, the better you'll get at stepping into the opportunities that are always present in your life.

💙In 'Four Steps to Authentic Communication' Robert Holden shares a Zulu greeting so simple and direct it's worthy of practicing it in your head even if it unnerves you too much to say out loud. When you come into the presence of another person face one another, look directly into each other's eyes and say 'I'm here to be seen'. The other person replies, 'I see you'.

💙Choose to be seen and choose to connect. Practice stepping out into your life, knowing you have value and wealth inside you worthy of sharing. Your vulnerability and imperfections are what make you lovable and human. Choose to use them to your advantage. 

Hello? I see you.

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.


Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list. 

Feeling Overwhelmed? Take a Breath, Slow Down and Renew Your Energy

Stop and Start Over to Renew

Time to renew your strength? Feeling a bit overwhelmed? We all need to stop and start over after we've exhausted our energies. Why not take a moment to look over these affirmation hearts and choose one or two that speaks to you to contemplate. Then take a calm moment to slow down and breath while considering what you need to refill your tank. 

Yours is the 'ultimate renewable energy'--but only if you stop to refill it when you run on empty. Protect your most precious resource!

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.


Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list. 

Carpe Diem~What Motivates You to Act--Principle or Passion?

Can you guess whether I'm a thinker or feeler?

Doing What Comes Naturally--Or Not!

'Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.'  
Dr. Seuss

I've stopped waiting, Dr Seuss. 

Carpe Diem--seize the day--is my call to action. 

At this moment in time I've been spurred into action and feel compelled to step up and speak my truth. But like so many others speaking out, I'm not a natural activist.  I'm very uncomfortable and I want to pull back daily, but then something new gets my blood boiling and I'm forced to engage and be seen when I'd prefer to hide. 

Why is that? What is it that compels a naturally easy going person like me to overcome her reticence to be seen and put her views in public and stand up for what she believes? 

And how are you the same or different from me? What motivates you to act? What words of wisdom speak to you and what sparks a fire in you? What spurs your own decision to act?

One answer is found in our preferences for coming to conclusions according to our Myers-Briggs type. Me? Like 60% of women and 40% of men, I'm a feeler, not a thinker.

Our Myers-Briggs types are based in 4 natural and healthy preferences for dealing with the world--and our preference for how we prefer to make decisions-- or 'judgments'--is one. 

CARPE DIEM

'Too often too late comes too soon.' 

 Dr. SunWolf 

What's Your Preference--Thinking or Feeling?

The judgment preference defines our preferred way of coming to conclusions--through 'Thinking'--a logical, impersonal analysis--or through 'Feeling'--a subjective considering of the human values and needs of a situation. Both are rational approaches to decision making found in both men and women, and one is not better than then other.

CARPE DIEM

'Why always 'not yet'? Do flowers in spring say 'not yet'?' 

Norman Douglas

A Key to What Motivates Us to Act

Although we all make decisions based on feeling and thinking, our preference for feeling or thinking will determine which one we are inclined to use more--and will point to what drives our decision-making and therefore what motivates us to act.

CARPE DIEM

'As you grow older, you'll find the only things 

you regret are the things you didn't do.'

Zachary Scott

Passion: Based on Human Values

If, like me, you prefer feeling, you'll spend more time coming to conclusions in a passionate, human values-based manner in which 'tact is valued over truth' rather than a dispassionate, impersonal manner.

Feelers, like me, are mission-driven about human, animal and environmental justice issues. We are moved into immediate action when a personal value is in jeopardy or when a line is crossed dealing with human, animal or environmental justice. When something is of grave concern, we 'can't not' jump in to stand up and speak up. We are compelled to act.

CARPE DIEM

'To change one's life: Start immediately. 

Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.'

William James

Principles: Logical Process Based on Impersonal Findings

If you prefer thinking, you'll spend more time coming to conclusions and making decisions in a dispassionate, principle-based manner that values 'truth over tact' rather than a passionate, human values-based manner. 

CARPE DIEM

'You may delay, but time will not.' 

Benjamin Franklin

CARPE DIEM

Why must conversations always come so late? 

Why do people always apologize to corpses?

David Brin

Understanding Feelers and Thinkers Differing Styles--The 'So What'

Know what motivates you to act, and look for ways to understand those who are different from you to find effective ways to communicate.  The more we understand our differences, the better we can get at communicating in the language of the other--if we choose to. 

➨ Thinkers are more brief and business-like in their communications; can appear curt, rude or uncaring to feelers. To communicate more effectively to thinkers, be brief and business-like when communicating with them.

💜 Feelers are warmer and softer in their communications; can appear too gushy or unbusiness-like to thinkers. To communicate more effectively with feelers, speak in stories and be personal.

➨ Thinkers' speech is unadorned and monotone; can appear strict and boring to feeler. 

💜 Feelers use adverbs and adjectives to provide emphasis and passion to their language; can appear to emotional or frivolous to thinker.

➨ Thinkers value fairness (what is right for 1 person is right for all) and principles; can appear too rigid and harsh to feeler.

💜 Feelers value harmony, compassion, and treating people individually (believing in extenuating circumstances); can appear like they lack a backbone for holding people accountable to thinker.

Do You Want to Speak or Do You Want to be Heard?

If you desire to be heard, first study what motivates you to speak out and take action, and then choose to discover how to best communicate with others so they hear you. 

CARPE DIEM

'I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, 
while the song I came to sing remains unsung.' Tagore


Thinkers and Feelers:
What They Look Like and What Matters to Them

Focus Technical Skills	Focus Service-with-a-smile	Focus Communicate	Focus Science & Technology
➨ ST Sensor-Thinker	💜 SF Sensor-Feeler	💜 NF iNtuitor-Feeler	➨ NT iNtuitor-Thinker
Prefers  Impersonal analysis of concrete facts	Prefers using Personal warmth applied  to immediate situations	Prefers using Creativity to meet  human needs	Prefers Solving Problems
PRACTICAL & MATTER-OF-FACT	SYMPATHETIC &  FRIENDLY	ENTHUSIASTIC & INSIGHTFUL	LOGICAL & INGENIOUS

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.

Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list.