The Face We Show to Others
How Do I Look to You?
Years ago as I was chatting with a small group of friends about who we were and how we were perceived by one another when the conversation turned in my direction.
'You don't show your feelings,' one friend announced. Immediately the rest looked at me and chimed in, 'That's true--you don't.'
'For example, what are you feeling right now?' another asked.
'Interested', I replied.
'Interested isn't a feeling.' Everyone shook their head in agreement. 'So what are you really feeling right now?'
'Interested,' I replied with a smile.
It's All Interesting.....
I'm a Lonely Little 'Perceiver' in a 'Judger' Patch
What was so interesting to me that day was although all of us conversing were 'feelers' I was the sole 'perceiver' in a group of 'judgers'. And while I would qualify for what I call one of the 'squishy of all squishy' feeler types I didn't look like a softie to this group of feeler-judgers.
How can this be? The answer can be found in the definition of Judger and Perceiver--two descriptive terms originating out of the Myers-Briggs Typing System that point toward our orientation to life in the outer world and therefore how we appear to others.
Can Judgers and Perceivers be Friends?
Judgers and Perceivers are quite different in how we prefer life to unfold. So the question is can Judgers and Perceivers get along--and learn to appreciate one another?
The answer is YES if we choose to understand ourselves and learn to deal compassionately with one another. Below is a primer on understanding the Judgers and Perceivers in your life, along with a few tips for crossing the lifestyle divide.
Perception determines what we see in a situation;
Judgment determines what we decide to do.
We all use our perception to collect information and judgment
to come to conclusions. The question is where will we do each?
We all use our perception to collect information and judgment
to come to conclusions. The question is where will we do each?
The Face We Show to Others
J-P Preference Defines How We Prefer to be in the Outer World
Although we all collect information (perceive) as we scan our environment and we all make decisions (judgments) about what we we encounter in our world--where and when we usually do both is determined by our preferences for dealing with the world around us.
The J-P preference--or judger-perceiver preference defines our preferred way of being in the outer world when we're 'extraverting'. This applies to introverts and extraverts alike. It is 'the face we show to others' and it describes how we prefer to be in the world.Whether you're a Perceiver or Judger will determine how you appear to others--as 'open' or 'closed'.
When extraverting Judgers move toward closure (i.e. coming to conclusions and making decisions) and Perceivers move toward collecting more information (i.e. staying open and being inquisitive).
Judgment
Judgers show their preferred way of judging in the outer world--either thinking or feeling. They look like exclamation points as they move toward closure and being decisive in public.
Perception
Perceivers show their preferred way of perceiving in the outer world--either sensing or intuiting. They look like question marks as they move toward openness and inquisitiveness in public.
We Use the Opposite Inside
What Happens Inside?Whatever we show on the outside--judging or perceiving--we use the opposite inside. On the inside (behind the eyes) Judgers use their preferred way of perceiving and Perceivers use their preferred way of judging.
For example, I as an Extraverted Intuitior Feeler Perceiver (ENFP) use my intuition in the outer world, looking inquisitive and 'interested' and save my feelings for my inner world. So although I am 'quite a heart-felt squishy' person you don't necessarily see that when relating to me.
When introverting (introverts and extraverts alike): Judgers 'open up' to consider more information and Perceivers 'close down' to come to conclusions. Perceivers--who use judging in their private world--have less need to control the outer environment than Judgers as they are more orderly inside.
How do you Appear--
Decisive and Orderly or Inquisitive and Adaptable?
How Judgers and Perceivers Approach Life
When relating to others in the outer world, Judgers present as people who plan life in a more controlled, decisive and orderly manner, while Perceivers present as curious and adaptable people who take a more open, free-flowing and flexible approach to life.
??????
Perceivers are the ones asking all the questions and re-opening issues.
!!!!!!
Judgers are the ones quickly deciding and sticking to their guns.
Meet the Judgers
Whether Feelers or Thinkers, Judgers prefer to live life in a planned and structured manner. They take their responsibilities seriously. When dealing in the outer world they're decisive, self-regimented and purposeful--and prefer to move quickly to a decision. They prefer to plan their work and downtime, and once set, they want to stick to the plan.
Judgers prefer to work in a scheduled and structured workplace--and will begin laying a plan for weekend time-off by mid-week. They put responsibilities before pleasure, thus choose careers that allow them to be responsible at work and provide for their families.
Just the facts, Ma'm
When starting new activities Judgers prefer to learn just the essentials of what's needed. They are more product-oriented than process-oriented. Once they have a plan of action they focus on completing the activity. They find great satisfaction making decisions and finishing projects.
In a job search Judgers lay out a plan and want the plan to work NOW. They can become frustrated and discouraged when it doesn't work out as planned immediately.
Comfort in Schedules and Timeliness
Judgers believe in deadlines and schedules--both at work and at home. They prefer a more compartmentalized life--with a clear separation of work and home. A to-do-list to check off completed items is a must. Their idea of 'on-time' is arriving 15 minutes early.
Judger Managers: Set real deadlines and expect you to meet them on-time.
Show Respect: If you want to show respect to a Judger, show up on time and meet deadlines.
Meet the Perceivers
Perceivers Prefer to Live More Spontaneously
Those of us who are Perceivers, whether sensors or intuitors, prefer to live life in a more spontaneous and enjoyable manner. When engaging in the outer world we are curious, flexible and adaptable. We are the 'enjoyers of life' who prefer to go with the flow while constantly exploring our environment.
Tell Me Everything.....
Perceivers are Life Explorers who Don't Want to Miss Anything!
When starting new projects or meeting new people Perceivers like to learn everything about the project or person--asking lots of questions and staying open to new pieces of information, and often delaying decisions until all the pieces of information have naturally fallen into place in their head.
Perceivers prefer a workplace that is flexible and evolving. We love startup companies where we can brainstorm and explore multiple options before settling down to a fixed way of doing business. We often get out of the job or business if it gets to be too fixed in it's ways. We want room to explore.
Comfort in Flexibility and Timelessness
Time: A Perceiver's view of time is more flexible. We are more process-oriented than product-oriented. We can get caught up in what we're exploring and lose track of time. We are more comfortable with a schedule that is 'ish' rather than sharp, as in, 5ish...or some time after 5 is okay.
Perceiver Manager: May set a deadline that is earlier than required. That way there is built in flexibility for employees who need more time to complete the job while still allowing the Manager and team to responsibly complete the job.
Show Respect: If you want to be respectful to a Perceiver, give them room to be flexible and appreciate their adaptability.
Perceivers Enjoy what they Do
Work is Enjoyable
As we must enjoy what we do, Perceivers choose careers based on what they enjoy. Sometimes this is confusing to 'responsible' Judgers who perceive fun-loving Perceivers as being irresponsible. Nothing could be farther from the truth. A Perceiver doesn't have difficulty being responsible because we always find a way to enjoy what we must do.
How to Make Peace with Each Other
Tips for Getting Judgers to Stay Open and Perceivers to Decide
The exact same approach used to help a Judger open up will work to get a Perceiver to close down--give them time to think about an issue alone and their brain will work off-line to open up or come to the proper conclusion.
Want to get a Judger to stay open to a different decision? Take decision making off the table in a meeting or conversation (where a Judger is quick to decide). Instead of asking for a decision in the moment, provide a written request and state you don't want a decision now. Set a time to come back to discuss.
Removing the decision making in public increases the probability the Judger will open up when considering it (inside her head) and also allows an orderly, scheduled, deadline for deciding.
Want to get a Perceiver to made a decision more quickly? Perceivers close down collecting information and let their brains work off-line when they're inside their heads.
Begin with 'exploratory meetings' to examine the issues rather than meetings where decisions are made. Instruct the Perceiver to consider the options and come back to the next scheduled meeting with a plan or decision.
A Judger's Path to a More Balanced Life and Maturity
Reach into a Perceiver's mindset: Consciously and deliberately practice being flexible, adaptable, and open.
'If the mind is flexible, the
world is flexible.'
Sakyong Mipham
'It is not the
strongest or the most intelligent who will survive
but those who can best
manage change.'
Leon C. Megginson
'Set patterns,
incapable of adaptability, of pliability, only offer a better cage.
Truth is
outside of all patterns.'
Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet
Kune Do
A Perceiver's Path to a More Balanced Life and Maturity
Reach into a Judger's mindset: Consciously and deliberately practice finishing and moving to closure; choosing a path and following through to the finish.
'Actions are the seed of fate (your) deeds grow
into destiny.'
Harry S Truman
'Whenever you have
taken up work in hand, you must see it to the finish. That is the ultimate
secret of success. Never, never, never give up! '
Dada Vaswani
'With Malice toward none,
with charity for all, with firmness in the right,
as God gives us to see the
right, let us strive on
to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's
wounds.'
Abraham Lincoln
For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.
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