Bullies at Work: Deny, Deflect, Persist, Discredit

The Bully's Destructive Template:
Divide and Conquer

When Confronted, Don't Expect the Sociopath-Bully to Fess Up

In my twenties I had a relationship with a man who was also carrying on a concurrent relationship with a colleague I worked with on a daily basis. We never knew about his relationship with the other--each believing the stories he told us about why he was spending time with the other. He told me this very healthy-looking nineteen year old was very sick but didn't want anyone to know about it and he--a doctor--was helping her (She wasn't sick).

On the day we discovered the truth about his deceit and unconscionable lies we confronted him.  And what did he do? Did he break down and confess all? No, he masterfully threw a cloak of secrecy over the confrontation and continued the deception by pulling each of us aside to spread his lies about the other while using his charm to attempt to make each of us feel special. This was my introduction to the artful maneuverings of the sociopathic-narcissistic bully.

Deny, Deflect, Persist, Discredit

Sociopath bullies are not only found in the personal realm, they are also prevalent in organizations--and right out in plain sight for all to see.

Recently on the MSNBC Chris Hayes show, Jeffery Sonnenfeld, Senior Associate Dean for Leadership Studies at the Yale School of Management and Lester Crown Professor of Management Practice and co-author of 'FIRING BACK'  had this to say about former Hewlett-Packard CEO and Presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina:

'If I wasn't on t.v. I would say she had a sociopathic denial of reality. When confronted with the facts, first she denys, then she deflects. When we persist in questioning the truth, she discredits and attacks.'

Can You Avoid the Lure of the Charming Bully?

If there is a narcissistic bully in your midst you will be pulled into their game either as a charmed ally/follower or as a targeted person to attack, discredit, and bring down. There is no middle ground.

Narcissistic bullies are sociopaths without a conscience and without the ability to care. Despite giving the illusion of caring about others they are incapable of loving. They are narcissistic users and manipulators who can do a lot of damage to you and me--and to entire organizations and countries--when we succumb to their false charismatic charms. 

It doesn't matter how smart you are. You can be a very astute and intelligent person and still fall prey to the sociopathic bully's charm and deceptions. All of us--wise and gullible--need to learn how to protect ourselves from their destructive ways.

None of us are so wise we can avoid being pulled into a master manipulator's game. 

The ultimate question for those of us unknowingly brought into the bully's game:

How do we do damage control to our own integrity or self esteem once we've been brought into the game? How do we move forward keeping our best self intact? 

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF

Seeing Past the Cloak of Secrecy and Deception

Protect Yourself: Recognize You're Dealing with a Sociopath

Question: 'Is she truly a sociopathic bully'?  How can I know for sure? Sure, I get that niggling feeling down in my gut, but how can I really know? She accomplishes so much and I personally haven't had a problem with her--she seems to like me.'

Answer: As George Bernard Shaw once said, 'No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.'  

When things start to feel wrong and you can't quite put your finger on what that is--start looking for a unconscionable bully in your midst artfully spreading misinformation and discord in a game of divide and conquer to win in their personal game of control and domination. Then look for a pattern of deny, deflect, persist and discredit.

While it may be impossible to avoid the lure of the charming bully, it is possible to recognize the results of their destructive game--such as creating factions at work; denigrating comments about others; suspicion of others; conflict and unease; and being pulled into private conversations separate and apart from others.

Bullies can be so charming and and subtle in their destruction it can be difficult to see what they're doing. But learn to look beyond their initial engaging behavior to see the destruction and distrust around you so you can be on the alert for a destructive sociopath among you. 

What behaviors to look for in a bully: 

• Playing the Games: Divide and conquer; control and domination
• Divisive and Destructive: Discord now present where there was none.
• Charm and Discredit: charming one person while discounting/discrediting the other. Going around some; engaging and charming others.
• Leads through Manipulation rather than Motivation: Gets others to do their bidding.
• Deny and Deflect: When confronted with truth/facts....deny, deny, deny.
• Persistent: After being called on for destructive or deceptive behavior...he/she starts up again...persistent--never giving up the charge.

Beware: Ongoing underhanded and furtive behavior is hard to catch even after you've recognized it once.  Because we don't like to think poorly of others we may find ourselves just wanting to get on with things--and not wanting to get in the middle of 'someone else's fight'.

Letting Your Guard Down too Soon: Even after we recognize the bully for who he or she is, many of us let go of 'what we know' too soon, and let our guard down too quickly after we solve an immediate skirmish with the persistent bully. When we let down our guard, the charming narcissist regroups and attacks from another angle. 

'Relentless' is the bully's middle name.

Protect Yourself: Know You are NOT Special to Bullies 

When you're groomed as an ally rather than the target for the Bully, its easy to be seduced into believing you're special. 

The charming narcissist will tell you--you have special talents and invite you into her inner circle because of your 'leadership' qualities, while leading you to believe you're a notch above and different from everyone else. The ability of the narcissistic charmer to make you feel special and apart creates blinders that make it more difficult for you to see the bully's behavior for what it is: divisive and disruptive.

Remember, bullies have no true feelings as we know them. No matter how it looks--you are NOT special to them; you are merely a pawn in their game, not a favored person.

Regular rules of engagement do not work with bullies. What you see is NOT what you get with them. You can't just communicate 'as usual' or draw the usual conclusions when dealing with these master manipulators. They know you better than you know them and they'll manipulate your attitudes and actions.

If you're a kind-hearted, trusting person, the charming bullies know you want to communicate in an upfront, trusting manner--believing in the basic goodness of all-- and they'll use that against you. If you're naturally skeptic, the bully is artful at sizing you up and using that against you too. They simply play the game better than the rest of us.

Protect Yourself: Know the Difference Between Motivation and Manipulation

There is a subtle, but important difference between master motivators and master manipulators. They both 'inspire' you to do things. But motivators help you do what you want yourself to do, while manipulators get you to do what they want you to do.

Motivation: Getting others to do what they want themselves to do.

Manipulation: Getting others to do what you want them to do.

Ask yourself:

• Are you being motivated or manipulated into action?
• Do you find yourself withholding what you really think?
• Are you uncomfortable about the direction the process or the conversation is going?
• What do you think to say but fail to speak up about?
• When you do speak up to get your thoughts on the table, are you listened to or ignored unless your suggestions are in alignment with the narcissist's?

Protect Yourself: Step Out of the Bully's Game by Acting on Your Core Values

Once you see the bully's behavior for what it is--commit to clean communication with all others--and consciously protect yourself and the organization or family by staying alert to the bully's self-centered intentions and sometimes charming, yet destructive methods.

When you check in with yourself to guide your actions by your own beliefs and goals it provides you the measuring stick you need to judge if you're being motivated or manipulated. 

Give yourself plenty of down time to examine your own core beliefs and values--and consciously act in ways that are closely aligned with them. Don't be bullied into doing someone else's bidding.

The only long-term effective way to step out of the bully's game is to have plenty of down-time to consider your beliefs and goals along the way so your actions can be internally driven. The more time you spend with narcissists, the more easily you're manipulated by them. 

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.Nathaniel Branden

The Anti-Bully Team Communication 
and Conflict Style

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

Betrayed and Bitter? Forgive and Let Go

'Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.'  Robert Brault

What Hurts?

• Who or what has hurt or betrayed you?
• What are you bitter about?
• Where in your heart of hearts do you feel life has done you wrong?

We All Deal with the Downside of Life 

Sometimes life lets you down--that job you wanted that slipped through your fingers; that love interest who did you wrong; that organization that treated you poorly; that economy that failed you; or that friend who slighted you without apology.

Sure, things happen in life leaving you feeling betrayed and bitter. But don't let it keep you stuck--acknowledge and name what you're feeling--and sit in your sorrow for a while. When you're ready to brush yourself off and get back on top of the world, let it go and move on. Why? Because you're worth it.

You're Made of Strong Stuff 

Face it--you're made of strong stuff and you want to enjoy a fully-engaged life. You have what it takes to move through whatever challenge life presents you--and you're worthy of enjoying a rich, meaningful life.

Think about it--how is that hurt and bitterness you're harboring inside getting in the way of you engaging in or enjoying your life? What good things could you see in your life if you let these soul-killing feelings go?

• Have you failed to apply for a job because you're bitter about the last job interview?
• Did you fail to ask that new person out because the last one hurt you?
•  Have you isolated yourself because you are hurt or bitter about how someone treated you? Have you refused invitations to get together with friends because you're home licking your wounds?
• Is that bitterness about making less than you deserve getting in the way of you appreciating the good things in the job or zapping your energy to look for a better paying job?

Cleanse Yourself of  Hurt and Bitterness

When you consciously cleanse hard feelings out of your soul you make room for more uplifting and positive experiences to show up. 

You will see opportunities you were blind to when you stop wasting your energy nursing the hurt and bitterness. Stop stuffing and harboring your bitter feelings; cleanse them and move on.

'People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.'  Eleanor Roosevelt

Care Enough about Yourself to Forgive and Release Hard Feelings

Do you care enough about yourself to forgive and let go of the bitterness? Forgiving and letting go of the bitterness isn't about the other person or organization--it is about freeing yourself to take back your own power and sense of control.

The hardness and bitterness you hold on to takes away your power; forgiveness and letting the bitterness go gives you back your power. So stand tall, stay calm, and remember you have the power to move your life forward.

Affirm your desire to cleanse yourself of hurt and bitterness--and take a step toward doing something that fills you with feelings of self-worth, fulfillment, and connection to life and others. You are worth it. Do it now.

  

'Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning.' Robert Brault

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For more than 30 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.

How Do I Know if He's the One? 3 Secrets to a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship

 'A loving heart is the truest wisdom' Charles Dickens

What is the Secret to Enjoying a Long-lasting Relationship?

• Are you in a relationship with it's ups and downs? Do you wonder if you have what it takes to make your relationship last?
• How do you know if it's worth investing time in a new relationship or mending a long-standing one?
• After facing difficult times in the relationship, how do you even know if you want to continue in the relationship?

What a Happy Relationship isn't...Conflict-free

'Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open'.

George Bernard Shaw

If you think a conflict-free relationship is the key to a long-lasting happy partnership you're barking up the wrong tree. 

All happily married couples have a good amount of 'bark' in their relationship. It's what puts the heat, or bite, into the relationship.  Look at Lucy and Ricardo (I Love Lucy); Alice and Ralph Kramden (Honeymooners); and Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street). We love watching these comedic couples interact because we can relate to their conflicts and differences.

Truth is we all have negative thoughts and feelings about our partners. It's natural. Over time our differences arise and the rose-colored glasses come off letting those petty annoyances surface. But there is something about happy, long-lasting relationships that makes them withstand the test of time and trouble.

Secret #1: Happily Married Couples Keep the Negative from Overwhelming the Positive

'The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.'  George Bernard Shaw

According to Dr. John M Gottman, author of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and director of the Gottman Institute, what can make a marriage or partnership work is surprisingly simple.

'In their day-to-day lives, happily married couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.'

People in healthy, long-lasting relationships deal with the same garden variety issues that people who break up do. The difference is those in healthy lasting relationships find a way to maintain an overall positive feeling to their relationships despite the negative thoughts and feelings that naturally arise over time.

This isn't to say you should always work through conflict and stay together at all costs. It provides a measuring stick for you to consider. 

How do you create a dynamic in your relationship to allow the positive to over-ride the negative? 

If only one of you works to keep your negative thoughts and feelings about the other from overwhelming your positive ones it won't work--'it takes two to tango'--and 'you can't push a river uphill'. 

Don't be afraid of conflict and run away at the first sign of it--look for ways to put conflict in perspective. Instead of viewing a 'fight' as an ending, use it to create a new beginning to better communication. 

Secret #2: Turn Passion into Compassion   

If we are to live with the differences and annoyances found in our partners we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

In a happy union, love does make the world go round, but what love looks like over time changes. Family counselor, Gary Strait, noted that while relationships may initially be based on passion, if we are to continue to live with the differences and annoyances found in each other we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

The longer we're in relationship together, the more acceptance, forgiveness, understanding--and perhaps a sense of humor about each other's foibles--needs to play a central role in how we interact with ourselves as well as each other.  

Secret #3: Ask Yourself--Do I Want it to Work?

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage. George Bernard Shaw

Before you tie the knot, and whenever you deal with upsets in the relationship along the way there is one question you can pose to yourself that cuts through all the layers between you and knowing what to do--'Do I want it to work?' 

You'll know the answer immediately. If you want the relationship to work out you must do whatever is needed to make it work. Your pride, anxiety, anger, or hurt feelings getting in the way will fall by the wayside once you know you want the relationship to work. It will bring you to the negotiation table faster.

When you are in the throes of a new relationship--trust your immediate gut response to the question 'do I want it to work'. Stop overwhelming yourself with expectations and responsibilities for the relationship ('I think she's more into the relationship long term than I am'). You are simply trying to get clear about your current desires and feelings--should I stay or go?

If big red flags come up--don't swish them away--pay attention to what your street-savvy reptilian brain is telling you. Get out and move on! The ultimate secret to maintaining a happy, long-lasting relationship is to choose wisely upfront. It's not good enough to say 'I love him.' You can love someone who isn't good for you.

Are you in or beginning a relationship? Do you want it to work? 

If your answer is NO--get out and move on.

If you want it to work, strive to create more fun and meaningful times with one another. Find a way to enjoy and make a constructive use of your differences. Move into that place of allowing the good times to roll....

'To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.' Mark Twain

A Tribute to 35 Years of Making it Work 

In honor of the love of my life, Mark Gibbons, who 35 years ago was brave enough to ask the question, 'Do I want it to work?' I made an excellent choice for a life partner. We're still working it!

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates from this blog in the top right-hand corner of the page.