Mind-Blowing Burnout: Recovering The Day After and Beyond

The Day After

It's done. The divorce papers are signed. The memorial service for your loved one is over. Your beloved furry companion has passed. You cashed your severance check. The election is over.

How do you recover from a highly stressful event leaving you depressed, discouraged and shell-shocked?

The Day Before Leading Up to The Day After 

As this IS life, no one is immune to dealing with the ever-evolving landscape of life. 

No matter who we are, or what changes we're anticipating--whether 'good' or 'bad'--the day before the 'big moment' is unsettling and disruptive. Our fears and concerns leading up to a significant event temporarily suspends us in a state of fear as we try to bargain our way through to a better outcome in our heads. Yet deep down we know no amount of bargaining or magical thinking can assure the outcome we desire.

In the days leading up to a life-changing event we try to push the fear and worry out of our heads, but we can still feel the dread deep in our guts making us even more anxious about the now unnamed, free floating fear.

In the midst of it we want answers NOW as we contemplate the future uncertainty and what it all means. We want the pain and uncertainty to go away. We want a moment of peace and tranquility. We want things to resolve so we can get on with living.

But in the end we don't always get what we want when we want it. More often we're left to figure out how we can persevere and endure the uncertain times and changes as we go forward. And through these difficult times we find our strength and resiliency and learn what strong stuff we're really made of.

Recovering the Day After and Beyond

When you're left with an outcome you view as disastrous you need to find a way to heal your head, heart and soul. But how do you do that? It starts with taking a break from thinking, worrying, and anticipating the future.

But listen to me...for one moment quit being sad;

Hear the blessings dropping their blossoms all around you. Rumi

Just for Today:

Stop, take a breath--and focus on the present. Take the day off from fixating on your fears for the future, and engage in activities that let you know you are glad to be alive.

Let it be. Let today unfold without thinking about 'what just happened' and how you think it will affect your future. 

'Put up the Beans'. When my mother had a stroke and was in the hospital, my father wanted one of us 'girls' to go home with him to 'put up the beans'. He needed to engage in an ordinary every day activity to ground him and put him in the present. 

Bring your focus back to the present and put one foot in front of the other by choosing to do something completely ordinary--pull some weeds; clean out the junk drawer; clean out the gutters; go for a walk; clean out your closet and donate unneeded clothes; rake some leaves.

Tears are words that can't be spoken. unknown

Sit in Silence.  Give your heart a moment to just be. Listen to the birds. Sit with the dog. Pet the cat. 

Plan a fun event. Give yourself something to look forward to. Arrange a fun get away for the near future. 

Do something else. Gather friends to engage in mindless, fun activities to celebrate the life you share. Spend time with people you are happy to have in your life NOW to laugh and celebrate your friendship. Find a way to make a difference in one person's life.

Now is the time to remember life is to be enjoyed. Stop letting your life be determined by fear and worry.

Be Gentle, Kind and Compassionate with Yourself. Allow yourself to be still. Honor all the good things that have been in your life. Extend your kindness and compassion to others--even those who may sit on the opposite side of the isle from you. Strive to move yourself into a place of gentle healing. 

Find ways to lift one another up so you can all come from a place of strength, not hardness as you move forward.

Let your tears come; let them water your soul. Unknown

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


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3 Secrets to a Satisfying and Happy Long-Lasting Relationship

'A loving heart is the truest wisdom' Charles Dickens

What is the Secret to Enjoying a Long-lasting Relationship?

Are you in a relationship with its ups and downs? Do you wonder if you have what it takes to make your relationship last?

How do you know if it's worth investing time in a new relationship or mending a long-standing one?

After facing difficult times in the relationship, how do you even know if you want to continue in the relationship?

What a Happy Relationship Isn't....Conflict-free

If you think a conflict-free relationship is the key to a long-lasting happy partnership you're barking up the wrong tree.

All happily married couples have a good amount of 'bark' in their relationship. It's what puts the heat, or bite, into the relationship.  Look at classic comedy couples--Lucy and Ricardo (I Love Lucy); Alice and Ralph Kramden (Honeymooners). We love watching comedic couples interact because we relate to their conflicts and differences.

Truth is, we all have negative thoughts and feelings about our partners. It's natural. Over time our differences arise and the rose-colored glasses come off letting those petty annoyances surface. But there's something about happy, long-lasting relationships that makes them withstand the test of time and trouble.

Secret #1: Happily Married Couples Keep the Negative from Overwhelming the Positive

According to Dr. John M Gottman, author of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and director of the Gottman Institute, what can make a marriage or partnership work is surprisingly simple.

"In their day-to-day lives, happily married couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones."

People in healthy, long-lasting relationships deal with the same garden variety issues that people who break up do. The difference is those in healthy lasting relationships find a way to maintain an overall positive feeling to their relationships despite the negative thoughts and feelings that naturally arise over time.

This isn't to say you should always work through conflict and stay together at all costs. It provides a measuring stick for you to consider. How do you create a dynamic in your relationship to allow the positive to over-ride the negative?

Don't be afraid of conflict and run away at the first sign of it--look for ways to put conflict in perspective. Instead of viewing a 'fight' as an ending, use it to create a new beginning to better communication.

Secret #2: Turn Passion into Compassion

In a happy union, love does make the world go round, but what love looks like over time changes. Family counselor, Gary Strait, noted that while relationships may initially be based on passion, if we are to continue to live with the differences and annoyances found in each other we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

The longer we're in relationship together, the more acceptance, forgiveness, understanding--and perhaps a sense of humor about each others foibles--needs to play a central role in how we interact with ourselves as well as each other.

Secret #3: Ask Yourself--Do You Want it to Work?

Before you tie the knot, and whenever you deal with upsets in the relationship along the way there is one question you can pose to yourself that cuts through all the layers between you and knowing what to do--'Do you want it to work out?'

You'll know the answer immediately. If you want the relationship to work out you must do whatever is needed to make it work. Your pride, anxiety, anger, or hurt feelings getting in the way will fall by the wayside once you know you want the relationship to work. It will bring you to the negotiation table faster.

When you are in the throes of a new relationship--accept your immediate gut response to the question 'do I want it to work'. Stop overwhelming yourself with added expectations and responsibilities for the relationship ('I think she's more into the relationship long term than I am'). You are simply trying to get clear about your desires and feelings today.

Are you in or getting into a relationship now? What's your answer for today? Do you want it to work?

If YES, get out there and create more fun and meaningful times with one another. Find a way to enjoy and make a constructive use of your differences. Move into that place of allowing the good times to roll....

'To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.' Mark Twain

A Tribute to 33 Years of Making it Work 

Today's post is in honor of the love of my life, Mark Gibbons, who 33 years ago was brave enough to ask the question, 'Do I want it to work?' I made an excellent choice for a life partner. He is the right one for me to work through difficulties. We're still working it!

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 For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

 If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates.

Knowing How to Fail is Key to Success

'Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.' Sir Winston Churchill

What's happening in your life right now? Do you feel like you're failing in some aspect of your life? Are you harboring a secret failure you're hiding from others in shame? Off licking your wounds?

Listen up! You're one step closer to achieving success.

What do you think separates achievers from non-achievers? Education? Intelligence? Luck? Having an 'in' with the Boss? While each of these can help open the doors to achievement, they are not the key. Knowing how to fail is.

How to Successfully Fail

Years ago, the B.C. cartoonist captured the essence of how many of us view failure in one of his cartoon definitions:

'Flail: The opposite of slucceed.'

As the B.C. humorist insinuates, failure is often a crime worthy of a mental flailing. After we beat ourselves up, it may take days, weeks or months to get over the pain of that mental flailing. And while we waste time feeling guilty, frustrated, and sorry for ourselves, we fail to take the next step.

How do you view your failures? Are you so afraid of failing you have a hard time starting something new? Do you expect no less than perfection from yourself? Do you have a difficult time taking risks because you must guarantee success before you take the first step?

'Perfectionist thinking leads to procrastination which leads to paralysis'. Terry Paulsen

 If you're so afraid of making a mistake, you'll never take a step.

Don't let the fear of failure lead to perfectionist thinking and ultimately to getting stuck. Learn to use your failures like the top achievers do ~ as learning experiences that let you to turn failure into success.

Don't be chicken..scratch below the surface of mental flailings to 

discover the rich treasure trove of learning experiences

6 Tips for Turning 'Flailure into Sluccess'

1 Choose to see failures as learning experiences. 

When things don't turn out the way you want them to ~  stop with the mental flailing and make a list of everything you learn from your experiences. Ask yourself questions that move you forward.

• What went wrong?
• What could I do better next time? 
• What can I improve upon NOW?  What's the most important question for me to ask myself NOW? How do I turn this into a beginning, not an ending?
• What's the greatest lesson to be learned from my experience?

 2  Expect and welcome learning experiences. 

You're stagnating if you're not failing some of the time. Practice taking risks in less crucial areas of your life ~ make a game out of it. Become a game changer.

'The only difference between winners and losers is winners lose more often....but they stay in the game.'  Terry Paulsen

3  Choose to learn from people who enjoy their imperfections. 

Is there a person in your life who doesn't let failure get her down?  Watch her ~ Talk to her ~Get advice from her. 

Look for non-perfectionists to influence your thinking.

4  Take a step without  worrying about the results. 

Paul Clayton, a speaker on change said we waste a lot of time aiming for the perfect step. When we want to change, we get ready, then we aim, aim, aim, aim, aim.....and maybe shoot. His recommendation? 

Change to ready, SHOOT, aim. 

Take a step, any step, then adjust it afterwards if necessary.

5  Let your failures be an inspiration to others. 

In 1984, I was inspired to persist with my own writing when William Kennedy won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. What inspired me was his story of persisting despite rejection. His award-winning book, Ironweed was submitted to--and rejected by--thirteen publishers before being accepted for publication. Now that's the sort of person I want to emulate!

Your failures and struggles make your success more inspiring to others.  

Don't hide your struggles; share them.

6  Become a strong person who makes mistakes. 

It takes a strong person to admit her mistakes and accept herself in the face of failure. 

No matter how bad the fall from grace, if we chose to learn from our failures, laugh at ourselves, and are willing to take the next steps, we can fully recover and go on to have a good and satisfying life. 

'Strong people make as many and as ghastly mistakes as weak people. The difference is strong people admit them, laugh at them, and learn from them. That is how they become strong.' Richard Needham, Canadian Humorist

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.

If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, sign up for free e-mail subscription.

Dealing with a Bad Case of 'I Don't Care'? Perhaps it's the Winter Blues

Dealing with a Case of I DON'T CARE

Do you ever deal with a case of I DON'T CARE --especially around winter when spring is a ways off? Perhaps you're dealing with a case of the winter blues.

The winter blues, or SADS--seasonal affective disorder syndrome—is particularly prevalent in people living in the Northern Hemisphere.

According to Michael Craig Miller, M.D., Senior Mental Health Editor at Harvard Health Publications:

"People with seasonal affective disorder syndrome lose steam when the days get shorter and the nights longer. Symptoms of seasonal affective disorder include loss of pleasure and energy, feelings of worthlessness, inability to concentrate, and uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and high-carbohydrate foods."

I live in the Pacific Northwest where the changing seasons create shorter days and less sunlight. If I'm honest, sometimes I can experience a subtle loss of pleasure and energy that I interpret as a case of 'I don't care'. 

So what do we do if we're hit with a loss of pleasure and energy in winter? We deal with it.

How to Deal with the Winter Blues

Let Go Feeling You're Defective

First of all, let go of feeling something is 'wrong' with you because you're affected by the changing season. It is simply your body's physiological response to the darker season.  Sure that loss of pleasure and energy are indicative of depression as your responses to life are blunted. But that means it's time to take action--not that somethings wrong with you. 

The good news is there are concrete steps you can take to improve how you feel in response to the darker days and longer nights. If you're uncomfortable enough with how you feel to take steps to alleviate your symptoms, try the steps below.  

Check Your Vitamin D3 Levels 

Be diligent about supplementing with Vitamin D3 in Winter—especially if you live in the Northern Hemisphere.  Have your blood levels checked and shoot for maintaining a higher level. Discuss increasing your D3 intake with your doctor. 

Invest in and Use a Light Therapy Box

Regular exposure to full spectrum light can help. Again, this is particularly useful for people living in the Northern Hemisphere.  While you may feel it's inconvenient to sit in front of a light box, the lift in mood is worth it.  Do what you know works.

Seek Perspective and Acceptance

'Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'   Virginia Satir

Stop thinking life should be another way in winter and start accepting things as they are.

Put your 'pulling-inward' energy in perspective: Bears hibernate during the winter so why shouldn't we? In some ways this is just part of the natural ebb and flow of life--we are in a resting or gestating period where we allow our brains to work off-line as they quietly hum below the surface. 

By accepting the quietude of winter as the natural precursor to the brightness of spring we can create a lighter experience around this understated season.

Actively Participate in Tranquil Activities

Enjoy a nap covered with soft fleece blankets or take a leisurely Epson salt bath or warm shower to ease the cold.

Take a good book or journal out to a cafe  or book store to enjoy the hum of human conversation around you as you sit quietly in a warm, bright environment.

Find ways to create a sense of peace in the misty days.

Get Outside to Get More Light

Bundle up and get outside for a walk or engage in your favorite winter sport--skiing, ice skating or snowshoeing.  Being energetic outside will pick up your mood even if it's foggy and grey. 

'But listen to me, for one moment stop being sad. 

Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you.' Rumi

Keep Expectations Down

Yes, overcoming inertia can be a challenge when you're in the 'I don't care' mood. So keep your expectations down--make a plan to step outside for the walk or make a plan to drive with friends to the ski lodge.

If after you step out you don't want to walk much, don't. If after you drive to the ski lodge you don't want to ski, enjoy a hot cocoa and book in the lodge. Don't force it--allow possibilities to emerge by taking the first step.

As the old Aesop's Fable said, 'gentleness can succeed where force will fail'. Instead of overwhelming yourself with what you should do to overcome the darkness, find ways to embrace these days to create a more soothing, tranquil tone that lets you replenish your energy before you head into Spring.

How strongly you are affected by darker days and longer nights in winter will determine how motivated you are to do something about it.

No one likes feeling depressed, low or unmotivated. The stronger your symptoms, the more motivated you'll be to do something about it—even if you have to seek help from others. 

The way you cope with SADS will make the difference. Choose to find a way to brighten your winter days.

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates. 

Burned Out? Seek Silence and Re-establish Boundaries to Bounce Back

Small Changes--The Secret to Regaining Your Balance

Feeling burned out by work, relationships or life? Want to regain that sense of balance and fire in your belly? It all begins with a single small change.

Seemingly insignificant changes in your environment, perceptions or actions can alter the course of events and re-balance the power in relationships. By making small changes you create different results.

Where to Start

Burnout is especially problematic for those of you who are service-oriented and heart-felt people who freely give of yourself without restraint. You are the caregivers in relationships and the hard-working, enthusiastic contributors in the workplace.

Too much of a good thing--caring deeply and always being accessible--can quickly turn those strengths into weaknesses, and your unbridled enthusiasm into resentment when you fail to rest and set boundaries.

If you are a caregiver by nature, start by looking for little ways to shore up your boundaries by compartmentalizing your work and life, and disconnecting from others daily.

Think about it:

Are you always connected to work and people through your computer, I-phone or other devices? 

Do you check your work email and text messages when you leave the office?

Are you always available to work or others--taking calls or checking messages when out with others or throughout the night with your phone turned on by your bed with text messages pinging on arrival? 

Do you make yourself available to work when you leave for vacation?

Are you the first one in the office and the last one to leave?

Turning OFF in an ON Culture

Living in an always ON culture creates a fertile ground for burnout. Without appropriate boundaries you never get away from the overwhelming expectations of the outside world.

When you're always on-call to others you fail to provide yourself moments of soul-saving, off-line silence letting you sit with your private thoughts and disengage from the unspoken expectations or needs of others.

To begin putting balance back in your life try altering the perception you need to stay constantly 'connected', then unplug from one activity that's keeping you 'always on'.

Choose One Small Change

Turn your phone off at a set time before you go to bed. 

If you just can't resist turning your phone back on when you leave it by your bed, put your phone in a location that makes it too much work to get out of bed to check it...preferably another room.

Separate work email from your personal email. 

Stop checking work messages at home.

Turn off the computer in the evening and on weekends.

Do something different. If you are home in the evening and just can't resist checking your computer or phone for messages, take a book or journal out to a coffee house. Leave your phone home.

If you tend to stay home waiting for that person to call, make plans with someone else--just get out of the house.

Leave work at a predetermined earlier time for one week. Let others know you will leave at that time.

For Relationship Burnout Seek Silence and Separation

Where is the OFF button for establishing appropriate boundaries in your personal relationships? What do you do when you're burned out trying to make a relationship work?

If the harder you try to fix a relationship, the worse you make it: 

Stop. Pull Back. Do nothing. Do something else. Spend time with someone else.

Try seeking silence and separation so you can hear yourself think--and set appropriate boundaries according to the spoken rules of the relationship.

Sometimes you don't need to talk more to solve a difference or problem. You need to put it down, separate, and create open space for everyone to breath and think.

What do you do when someone you're interested in romantically says  "I just want to be friends", then proceeds to text you well after 11 pm or wants to get together at 10 pm? While you may want to push the limits of the relationship, you will only burn yourself out by accepting the 'we're just friends' while still acting as if you are more than that.

To maintain balance in your relationship (and leave the door open to the possibility of a love relationship developing) you need to set appropriate 'friend' boundaries by working off the spoken 'friend' rule.

Friends spend time in the daylight and early evening. Lovers spend time late into the night.

When you play by the 'friend rule' you take the 'I only want to be friends' person at his/her word and you relate like friends--without allowing the other person to inappropriately invade your life like an intimate--you don't date; you don't take phone calls or text messages after 10 pm; you spend daytime and early evening time together, not late night time together--and you freely date other people and talk about it. 

Do not allow other people complete run of your life by allowing them to act on both the spoken and unspoken rules. Whatever the spoken rules are those are the ones you play by--not by what you think is really going on (the unspoken rules).

Silence IS Golden

Bounce back from feeling burned out--seek silence and re-establish boundaries by changing one small thing. 

What small singular adjustment will you make to regain your balance?

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes changing easier than ever before.


If you're interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the Lightarted Living mailing list. Sign up for free e-mail updates.