'A loving heart is the truest wisdom' Charles Dickens
What are the Secrets to Enjoying a Long-lasting Relationship?
My son's wedding is just around the corner. Since I have enjoyed 35 years of marriage, and my parents enjoyed over 60 years, I figured a bit of wisdom about how to live with someone for a lifetime without killing them might be in order.
Marriage isn't for everyone. But for those of us who choose to marry, our intentions are to enjoy happy, long-lasting unions. We don't get married thinking we'll just get married to see if we like it.
Everyone who ties the knot wants to know how to enjoy a long-lasting healthy, happy, and resilient marriage despite the difficulties that are sure to arise.
What a
Happy Relationship isn't...Conflict-free
'Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man
who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the
window open'.
George Bernard Shaw
If you think a conflict-free relationship
is the key to a long-lasting happy partnership you're barking up the wrong
tree. My mother used to say you need to marry someone you can (verbally) fight with, and my parents were known for their ongoing banter.
All happily married couples have a good amount of 'bark' in their
relationship. It's what puts the heat, or bite, into the relationship.
Look at Lucy and Ricardo (I Love Lucy); Alice and Ralph Kramden
(Honeymooners); and Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street). We love
watching these comedic couples interact because we can
relate to their conflicts and differences.
Truth is we all have negative thoughts and feelings about our partners. It's
natural. Over time our differences arise and the rose-colored glasses come off
letting those petty annoyances surface. But there is something about
happy, long-lasting relationships that makes them withstand the test of time
and trouble.
Secret #1: Happily Married Couples Keep the Negative from Overwhelming the Positive
According to Dr. John
M Gottman, author of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and professor
of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and
director of the Gottman Institute, what can make a marriage or
partnership work is surprisingly simple.
'In their day-to-day lives, happily married
couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings
about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive
ones.'
People in healthy, long-lasting relationships deal
with the same garden variety issues that people who break
up do.
During the course of a marriage, we may have to learn how to navigate both major trust issues like infidelity and minor annoyances like which way the toilet paper goes in the holder (over, of course!) or whether the proper position for the toilet seat is up or down (down!)
The difference is those in healthy lasting relationships find a way to
maintain an overall positive feeling to their relationships despite the
negative thoughts and feelings that naturally arise over time. They keep their focus on the kind of life they want together and fight to maintain that positive track.
This isn't to say you should always work through conflict and stay
together at all costs. It provides a measuring stick for you to
consider.
So how do you create a
dynamic in your relationship to allow the positive to over-ride the
negative? If only one of you
works to keep your negative thoughts and feelings about the other from
overwhelming your positive ones it won't work--'it takes two to tango'--and
'you can't push a river uphill'.
💓Don't be afraid of conflict and run away at the first sign of it--look for
ways to put conflict in perspective. Instead of viewing a 'fight' as an ending,
use it to create a new beginning to better communication.
💓Find a way to maintain a positive focus for what you want in your relationship despite the bark and conflict. Never lose sight of the type of relationship you're trying to keep for a lifetime. When you maintain a vision of a healthy, resilient relationship you'll have the courage to speak honestly, respectfully, and compassionately to one another.
💓Keeping a sense of humor about your differences can go a long way towards maintaining a resilient marriage.
'Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.' Robert Brault
Compassion lifts us above self-involvement
with a noble heart
Secret #2: Turn
Passion into Compassion
If we are to live with the differences and
annoyances found in our partners we must expand passion to
have compassion for one another.
In a happy union, love
does make the world go round, but what love looks like over time changes.
Family counselor, Gary Strait, noted that while relationships may initially be
based on passion, if we are to continue to live with the differences
and annoyances found in each other we
must expand passion to have compassion for one another.
The longer we're in relationship together, the more acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and a sense of humor about each other's foibles needs to play a central role in how we interact with ourselves as well as each other.
Love One Another
Plant Kindness, Harvest Love
Secret #3: Ask
Yourself--Do I Want it to Work?
Before you tie the
knot, and whenever you deal with upsets in the relationship along the
way there is one question you can pose to yourself that cuts through all
the layers between you and knowing what to do--'Do I want it to work?'
You'll know the answer immediately. If you want the relationship to
work out you must do whatever is needed to make it work. Your pride,
anxiety, anger, or hurt feelings getting in the way will fall by the
wayside once you know you want the relationship to work. It will bring you to
the negotiation table faster.
When you're in the throes of a new relationship--trust your immediate gut
response to the question 'do I want it to work'. Stop overwhelming
yourself with expectations and responsibilities for the relationship ('I think
she's more into the relationship long term than I am'). You are simply
trying to get clear about your current desires and feelings--should I stay
or go?
If big red flags come up--don't swish them away--pay attention to what your street-savvy reptilian brain is telling you. Get out and move on!
The ultimate secret to maintaining a happy, long-lasting relationship is to choose wisely upfront. It's not good enough to say 'I love him.' You can love someone who isn't good for you.
Are you in or beginning a relationship? Do you want it to work?
💓If your answer is NO--get out and move on.
💓If you want it to work, strive to create more fun and meaningful times with one another. Find a way to enjoy and make a constructive use of your differences. Move into that place of allowing the good times to roll....
'To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.' Mark Twain
A Tribute to 35 Years of
Making it Work
In honor of the love
of my life, Mark Gibbons, who 35 years ago was brave enough to ask the
question, 'Do I want it to work?' I made an excellent choice for a
life partner to fight with. We're still working it!
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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up
and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to
your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life
easier than ever before.
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