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Lightarted Living: Three Secrets to a Healthy, Happy, Resilient Marri...: 'A loving heart is the truest wisdom'  Charles Dickens What are the Secrets to  Enjoying  a Long-lasting Relationship? M...

Three Secrets to a Healthy, Happy, Resilient Marriage

'A loving heart is the truest wisdom' Charles Dickens

What are the Secrets to Enjoying a Long-lasting Relationship?

My son's wedding is just around the corner. Since I have enjoyed 35 years of marriage, and my parents enjoyed over 60 years, I figured a bit of wisdom about how to live with someone for a lifetime without killing them might be in order.

Marriage isn't for everyone. But for those of us who choose to marry, our intentions are to enjoy happy, long-lasting unions. We don't get married thinking we'll just get married to see if we like it. 

Everyone who ties the knot wants to know how to enjoy a long-lasting healthy, happy, and resilient marriage despite the difficulties that are sure to arise.

What a Happy Relationship isn't...Conflict-free

'Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open'.

George Bernard Shaw

If you think a conflict-free relationship is the key to a long-lasting happy partnership you're barking up the wrong tree. My mother used to say you need to marry someone you can (verbally) fight with, and my parents were known for their ongoing banter.

All happily married couples have a good amount of 'bark' in their relationship. It's what puts the heat, or bite, into the relationship.  Look at Lucy and Ricardo (I Love Lucy); Alice and Ralph Kramden (Honeymooners); and Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street). We love watching these comedic couples interact because we can relate to their conflicts and differences.

Truth is we all have negative thoughts and feelings about our partners. It's natural. Over time our differences arise and the rose-colored glasses come off letting those petty annoyances surface. But there is something about happy, long-lasting relationships that makes them withstand the test of time and trouble.

Secret #1: Happily Married Couples Keep the Negative from Overwhelming the Positive

According to Dr. John M Gottman, author of 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' and professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and director of the Gottman Institute, what can make a marriage or partnership work is surprisingly simple.

'In their day-to-day lives, happily married couples have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.'

People in healthy, long-lasting relationships deal with the same garden variety issues that people who break up do. 

During the course of a marriage, we may have to learn how to navigate both major trust issues like infidelity and minor annoyances like which way the toilet paper goes in the holder (over, of course!) or whether the proper position for the toilet seat is up or down (down!) 

The difference is those in healthy lasting relationships find a way to maintain an overall positive feeling to their relationships despite the negative thoughts and feelings that naturally arise over time. They keep their focus on the kind of life they want together and fight to maintain that positive track.

This isn't to say you should always work through conflict and stay together at all costs. It provides a measuring stick for you to consider. 

So how do you create a dynamic in your relationship to allow the positive to over-ride the negative?  If only one of you works to keep your negative thoughts and feelings about the other from overwhelming your positive ones it won't work--'it takes two to tango'--and 'you can't push a river uphill'. 

💓Don't be afraid of conflict and run away at the first sign of it--look for ways to put conflict in perspective. Instead of viewing a 'fight' as an ending, use it to create a new beginning to better communication. 

💓Find a way to maintain a positive focus for what you want in your relationship despite the bark and conflict. Never lose sight of the type of relationship you're trying to keep for a lifetime.  When you maintain a vision of a healthy, resilient relationship you'll have the courage to speak honestly, respectfully, and compassionately to one another.

💓Keeping a sense of humor about your differences can go a long way towards maintaining a resilient marriage.

'Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.' Robert Brault

Compassion lifts us above self-involvement

with a noble heart 

Secret #2: Turn Passion into Compassion   

If we are to live with the differences and annoyances found in our partners we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

In a happy union, love does make the world go round, but what love looks like over time changes. Family counselor, Gary Strait, noted that while relationships may initially be based on passion, if we are to continue to live with the differences and annoyances found in each other we must expand passion to have compassion for one another.

The longer we're in relationship together, the more acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and a sense of humor about each other's foibles needs to play a central role in how we interact with ourselves as well as each other.

Love One Another
Plant Kindness, Harvest Love

Secret #3: Ask Yourself--Do I Want it to Work?

Before you tie the knot, and whenever you deal with upsets in the relationship along the way there is one question you can pose to yourself that cuts through all the layers between you and knowing what to do--'Do I want it to work?'

You'll know the answer immediately. If you want the relationship to work out you must do whatever is needed to make it work. Your pride, anxiety, anger, or hurt feelings getting in the way will fall by the wayside once you know you want the relationship to work. It will bring you to the negotiation table faster.

When you're in the throes of a new relationship--trust your immediate gut response to the question 'do I want it to work'. Stop overwhelming yourself with expectations and responsibilities for the relationship ('I think she's more into the relationship long term than I am'). You are simply trying to get clear about your current desires and feelings--should I stay or go?

If big red flags come up--don't swish them away--pay attention to what your street-savvy reptilian brain is telling you. Get out and move on! 

The ultimate secret to maintaining a happy, long-lasting relationship is to choose wisely upfront. It's not good enough to say 'I love him.' You can love someone who isn't good for you.

Are you in or beginning a relationship? Do you want it to work? 

💓If your answer is NO--get out and move on.

💓If you want it to work, strive to create more fun and meaningful times with one another. Find a way to enjoy and make a constructive use of your differences. Move into that place of allowing the good times to roll....

'To get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.' Mark Twain

A Tribute to 35 Years of Making it Work 

In honor of the love of my life, Mark Gibbons, who 35 years ago was brave enough to ask the question, 'Do I want it to work?' I made an excellent choice for a life partner to fight with. We're still working it!

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.


Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list. 

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Chronic Anger: Reverse 'Hardening of the Attitudes' to Improve Outlook

Why am I so Angry All the Time? 

If you've been feeling angry about the world and everyone in it, I've got good news. You have the power to change the relationship you have to the world by changing your attitude and letting go of the anger. 

But perhaps as you read this you're wondering why you should give up your righteous anger when it seems to energize you.

The answer is because it's an illusion that holding onto anger works for you. Anger hypes and stimulates you at the same time it zaps your power to effectively lead your life.  

Anger is a paradox. While anger is an emotion that feels powerful, our feeling angry results from the perception the world has taken away our power. 

Anger erupts when we feel victimized and stripped of our power.  When you feel powerless that explains why you also feel angry 'all the time'. 

And anger begets more anger. The angrier you feel, the more you feel victimized and the less power you have to change your situation, leading to more seething anger. And if you act in revengeful, petty ways in response to your anger you dig yourself a deeper, more desperate hole to climb out of. 

The way out of your anger is through taking positive, life-affirming actions that put you in power of your emotions and your life on a positive path.

A Flexible Mind is a Powerful Mind

When you recognize you have options and the flexibility to act in life-enhancing ways in response to anger-producing situations that's when you and others feel your power.

The Angry Victim

When we spew anger we're simply putting up a false front to look like someone who's in charge of their world. But inside another story emerges of a caught off guard angry-victim reacting to the situation in a child-like powerless manner. Spitting, sputtering and spewing anger is a real, but ineffective reaction.

If lashing out in anger is your only reaction to what happens in life you'll harden up instead of grow stronger, and you'll begin to take on the rigid attitude of the victim who has been wronged by life. 

Hardening of the Attitudes Creates a Rigid World

Sometimes with aging or after experiencing a series of negative events our anger can develop into a chronic hardening of the attitudes making it more difficult to see our way to positive solutions. We can get stuck in our reptilian brain where we are simply reactive and territorial.

Hardening of the attitudes is often accompanied by physical changes in our bodies that reflect this rigid frame of mind. These physical changes--like hardening of the arteries, tight muscles, restless sleep, and prickly emotions--especially anger, rage and nastiness--can lay the groundwork for major health events to occur. 

Being in a constant state of rigid, hardened attitudes is indicative of living in a state of constant high stress that puts your body on high alert. That's why you're susceptible to major health events, like heart attacks and strokes, if you're angry all the time.

While hardening of the attitudes makes you feel powerful at first, in the long run it leaves you living in a world that feels harsh and unforgiving in which you must constantly be ready for flight or fight. 

Choosing to take steps to get free of your anger will benefit you physically, emotionally and spiritually; keeping anger alive will kill you.

Peace is a stranger to the rigid mind.

Peace is a guest of the flexible heart.

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Life-Enhancing Actions Are Antidote to Anger

As long as you sit in being an angry victim, you limit your ability to take back your power and sense of calm.  But if you learn to take appropriate and healthy actions in the face of anger instead, you'll maintain a powerful and positive path in life.


Let go of your anger so you regain the power to navigate your own life and regain a sense of peace and tranquility in your life. Believe in your ability to create and maintain the life you want.

There's nothing wrong with getting angry. It is completely normal to be angry in response to things that happen. All of us lash out in anger at one time or another.

The question is what are you going to do to rectify the situation so you can regain your power, lose the anger, and create the situation you want going forward. As long as you keep the angry victim attitude, you are controlled by it.

Sure you can lash out in angry, revengeful or hateful ways. But this negative path not only sinks you deeper into your angry 'hardening of the attitudes', it also sets you up for devastating consequences that close off options and darken your future. 

If we fail to take appropriate and healthy action to recenter and balance ourselves, a wall of angry victim builds up and over time a 'hardening of the attitudes' sets in.

I Now Let Go All Anger and Rage from My Life

💓Anger feeds anger; compassion feeds compassion. Find ways to respond with compassion for the world--for your sake and others.

💓Ineffective actions are those that leave you feeling powerless and floundering. Actions taken in anger will still leave you powerless. Actions taken to remedy the situation that made you angry will empower you.

💓Effective actions are those that put you in charge of your life and leave you feeling good about yourself and your life.

Reverse Hardening of the Attitudes to Improve Your Outlook

If you're tired of holding all that anger, let go of your anger by taking actions to change your mindset from rigid to flexible instead of continuing to dig in and harden your position.  

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.

Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list.

Lightarted Living: Upbeat People: What Sets them Apart?

Lightarted Living: Upbeat People: What Sets them Apart?: What Sets Upbeat People Apart? Face it--some days you wake up ready to enthusiastically dive into the day, while other days you wa...

Upbeat People: What Sets them Apart?

What Sets Upbeat People Apart?

Face it--some days you wake up ready to enthusiastically dive into the day, while other days you wake feeling the need for a pep talk. 

Upbeat people are no different in that regard. They too experience the full gamut of emotions and difficult life experiences. And some days upbeat people need a pep talk too.

What sets upbeat people apart is they have a low tolerance for sitting too long in the doldrums of life before they jump into actions steering them into a more positive frame of mind. 

Upbeat people assess the difficult situations and their options, and then do what they must do to improve their chances for achieving the most positive outcomes. 

Upbeat people's thinking and acting habits put them in control of things that matter most to them.  They trust they always have another action to take that empowers them and lifts their spirits.

The Upbeat Realist

You might think upbeat people must live in La La Land and see with rose-colored glasses. But upbeat people are just realists who struggle to find the best way to get through the tougher times in life faster. 

Upbeat people accept the realities of life and find a way to deal with them.

Before you're quick to to accept you're not an upbeat person, ask yourself if you'd like to live your life more upbeat than not. If you desire to be more upbeat most of the time, a small tweak in your behavior is all that's required.

Becoming the Upbeat Person You're Meant to Be

What are the small tweaks you can make in your approach to life to become a more upbeat person?

💓Turn your disappointment into a time for active discovery.  Take Action.
💙Take positive actions without concern for the outcome. Don't think about it; just do it.
💚Turn failure into learning experiences. 
💛During the tough times, do what you must do without dwelling on it.  Step into the water at high tide.
💜Find a way to endure what you cannot escape. Develop a go-to mantra or affirmation to get you started when things go awry. 

Decide on the most important course of action and begin. Once you begin, keep going.

Finding 'The Happy' in the Delicate Dance of Life Unfolding

I've enjoyed an ongoing dialogue with my sister-in-law, Lee, about LIFE unfolding. She sends me a mantra, I send her a picture of LIFE unfolding with her mantra in it. She sends me a photo of peonies unfolding and more renditions of her mantra and I send her a new picture out of her peonies with new affirmations. 

When you DO SOMETHING with a mantra or affirmation, you instill a positive frame of mind into a dynamic way of living making it easier to be upbeat faster.

Let your life surprise you. Try out one of Lee's unfolding affirmations or create one of your own. Choose your upbeat and life affirming mantra, and then live it.

Life is unfolding in a relaxed and peaceful way.

LIfe is unfolding in the most humorous way.

Life unfolds with great ease and calm.

Life unfolds in the most delightful and centered way, with many happy surprises!

Everything is playing out in the most happy and delight-filled way

Happiness has spread like peanut butter thick upon me, penetrating and soothing my rattled heart. 

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For more than 35 years, Susan Meyerott has been helping people lighten up and step over invisible barriers to change one step at a time. She speaks to your heart, puts you at ease, and makes letting go and moving forward with life easier than ever before.

Do you know someone who could benefit from uplifting messages? Please share Lightarted Living with them. If you or someone you love is interested in learning more about closing the gap between where you are now and where you want to be, join the FREE Lightarted Living mailing list.